Episode 32: Happy Holidays, or whatever you want to say about it

So the holidays are officially here, meaning much of the next two months will be filled with traveling, drinking, eating and way , way too much time spent with distant 'in laws' for whom I have little to no interest in being around. This all started yesterday with Thanksgiving at Monica's parent's house where, of course, the baby stole the show for better or worse.

Despite a beer tragedy (as in not having any- damn you Massachusetts and your pioneer-era drinking laws) and 3-4 hours of overall crankiness from the girl, the day was pretty low-key and successful. Then again, I did not have to change Av's post turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and squash diaper this morning.

She was dressed to impress in what appeared to be some sort of infant-sized wedding dress and dumb little black shoes, and she won everyone over with her cute face and little tricks. I call them tricks because I know she does them on purpose as despite being 10-months-old, she knows that everyone is looking at her because she is adorable, and she knows what kind of reaction she is going to get before she does something. I am in so much trouble when she starts walking and talking.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because there is no stress of buying gifts, I don't have to go to church and I get to eat. A lot. Unfortunately, much of the day is spent smelling food that I cannot yet have, and usually ends with me feeling like I just took down half of the buffet at Golden Corral. Either way, I'll take it over the hustle and bustle of Christmas and the half-ass holiday that is Easter. (I mean, really, Easter? Come on. Usually I don't even know when it is until like two-days before because it isn't even held in the same month every year. Not to mention Easter Baskets. C'mon, just give the kids a gift certificate to CVS so they can pick out their own candy and maybe a Wiffle Ball bat. Yeah, yeah, I get the whole 'Jesus dying' thing. OK. Just go to church and pray then. Like All Saints Day or whatever).

Christmas is really the holiday that gets me down, to be honest. Sure, it is supposed to be 'joyful' and it is if you are 7-years-old and waiting for Christmas morning ( unless you're me, who is still waiting for that Power Wheel I asked for in 1989), but for adults the entire month of December is nothing but stress- and shopping. Even at the pet store- where I attempted to go today to buy cat food and a new fish for Monica (goldfish have like a 30 second life span. What useless pets)- there were hoards of people stocking up on, well, I don't know, dog beds? I get waiting in line at 4 a.m. for a $200 TV. But your pet does not care what it gets for Christmas. In fact, your pet does not know it is Christmas so save your money.

Christmas also bugs me because of all of the singing. Whether it be traditional carols or new jingles like that one from the Gap commercial that makes me want to punch  hole through my TV, they are all irritating and they are all jammed down my throat.

I am hoping that having a baby this year makes the day a little bit more enjoyable for me, as she will be a good excuse for leaving family functions. I am not above making my daughter cry if I want to leave somewhere, either. It is the holidays, kids. Every man for himself. Family functions, to me, are the worst part, especially if it isn't my family. In general, I am a pretty anti-social guy and talking to distant relatives who I don't really know makes me feel very uncomfortable. Believe it or not, talking and being around little kids makes me even more uncomfortable.

The family parties never actually turn out to be as bad as I think they will, but I have had enough isolated bad experiences to keep me from remembering that until it is over. Like last year when I was welcomed by the grandfather of my still-pregnant girlfriend with the statement 'Congratulations, or whatever you want to say about it.' and then forced to participate in a family singing of the 12 Days of Christmas. I have been scarred by a lot of things in my 26 years, this day is at or near the top of the list.

I would actually say that Av has already made this season a little bit more fun for me, as I have been assigned to buy her toys for Christmas while Monica buys the clothes. This means that I essentially get to go to toy departments and pick out whatever it is I would be interested in playing with. Lets be real here, when we spend the whole day together every day the toys are just as important to me as they are to her, if not more.

So far we have a kitchen set, a shopping cart filled with plastic toys and some sort of moving education train but far and away the coolest gift has to be a bin of 10 jumbo rubber bath toys. I am already a big fan of the bath toys we have, there is an octopus, a crab, frog, alligator, marlin, dolphin and dragon (yes, dragon. Do not ask my how a dragon made it in to the sea creatures bath toy bag), but the new toys have a polar bear, seal, otter and turtle- and those are just the ones I can see in the bin. Yes. I have been reduced to being excited over bath toys.

So, I suppose we have a small gap before the real holiday fun begins now, but not much. We are taking the baby on her first long road trip, out to Western Mass to visit my family next weekend, and I am sure the holiday stress will really begin when the baby wakes up around hour two of the trip and wants to get out of the car seat. From there it will be on to all of the fun and games that come with the month of December. I don't want to make it seem like I am completely miserable and negative about Christmas, there are things that I like, too. But the things that I like seem to come in small doses and I never seem to get to spend enough time with the people I actually want to see. My advice would be to buy stock in Budweiser, because memories start early and kid toys are a lot more fun with a buzz.