Episode 24: The one where Mom got the Swine

This is a classic case of Karma biting me in the ass once again.

Since the H1N1 Swine Flu 'epidemic' took the world by storm last April I have been the disease's number one critic. I was still working at the newspaper when the craze first swept through America and I was stuck doing one of the things I hated the most as a journalist, hopping on a trendy national story and trying desperately to localize it.

There was always something going on in the world that we were trying (usually poorly) to make relevant to the citizens of Lynn, and I always hated it. For example, say something tragic happened in India (I have a hazy recollection of a terrorist attack or massacre of some kind happening there last year) I would get the 'call some Indian people living in Lynn' request from my boss, meaning I had to spend my day cold-calling Indian people looking for comment on a situation they were not involved in. I hated it. The only thing worse was when someone died and I'd have to do the 'What to you remember about so and so' interview. Like they were going to say anything other than 'Dave was a great man' or 'It was such a tragic loss.'

Just once I wanted to hear someone say, 'You know, it is too bad that Dave died, but he was a real prick. I won't miss him.'

The Swine Flu story was no different, and was made worse by the fact that paranoia in schools was at an all time high. As the education reporter, it became my job to find out if there were any cases of the swine in Lynn, and to field calls from every angry parent whose student had a cough as if the school system was somehow negligent for not preventing the spread of a contagious flu.

For six months I cursed this disease and wished it would go away. 'It is just the flu' I would mutter through clenched teeth. 'Take some friggin Dayquill and get over it.' Much to my dismay, the swine never went away and, in fact, the paranoia party worsened as the school year approached again.

Fast forward to the beginning of last week. I had been under the weather for two or three days, a sore throat, headache, fatigue, you know, common cold stuff. I was just about over it on Thursday when Monica started feeling the same way. With my having to work the weekend, she packed up the baby and headed south to Dedham to stay with her parents for a few days in the hopes that she would feel a bit better and get some help taking care of Av.

As her sickness worsened and a fever ensued, she realized that maybe I had not passed along my mild cold and thought it would be best to head to a doctor. Normally in this situation they would have sent her home with an antibiotic and told her to get over it, just as doctors have been doing to people with the flu for years, but given her job as a middle school teacher/ mom and the previously mentioned H1N1 paranoia, they decided to stick a swab up her nose and test her for the Swine.

It was positive. Karma.

Now, the baby has had her swine shots, but enough time had not elapsed, so Monica was quarantined for three days meaning I was thrust in to 24-hour-dad for the first time.

(EDITORS NOTE/ PUBLIC SERVICE: Av's Swine shots were administered by a pediatrician named  Christine Tentindo of Beverly Pediatric Associates. This woman is without question the most evil, uncompassionate monster on the planet. She didn't even tell me when she was going to give the baby her shot. She just stabbed it in to her leg without warning, and then got annoyed when she started crying. So annoyed, in fact, that she left the room until she stopped. We will not return to this practice and anyone with children should stay as far away from this wench as possible. Thank You.)

I was admittedly nervous heading in to the situation, not because I didn't think I could handle it, but because I wasn't sure how Av would react to having just me around, especially at night when she is used to having Mom come in the room.

So from Monday to Wednesday it was just Av and I hanging out and, surprisingly, things went extremely well. I stayed patient and she didn't panic too much, although by Wednesday morning she was just about done with me and was clearly in search of her mom.

As for Monica, she is back to normal and back home. After her ordeal all indications are that, while she felt like crap and suffered through a three-day fever, Swine Flu is- as I have been saying from the beginning- still JUST THE DAMN FLU. Yes, people die from Swine. People also die from the seasonal flu. People also get run over by trains and crushed by falling tree limbs. It happens. If people didn't die the lines at the bank would be unmanageable.

The medical industry, as it likes to do with any disease (restless leg syndrome, anyone?) is using H1N1 as an excuse to spread paranoia and fear to the American public in an effort to collect $50 co-pays and sell more drugs to the populous. 'You have the Swine! stay home! Unless, of course, you are visiting your doctor, the ER or the pharmacy, which you will have to do several times before you are better!'

I know that the important thing is that the baby is OK, even if the medical industry is a complete sham, and it is nice to know that she now trusts me enough to spend an entire day with me without panicking, but in the end, I learned that there is still nothing like having your mom around no matter how cool your dad is. If there is a lesson to be learned here, kids, that is it. Mom's rule.