In any event, it has been five weeks since my last blog post. Sometimes I find myself with little to do and try and convince myself that I should be on this site pleasing you all with my words. Then I find other things to do, like read Internet articles, nap, have a snack or pick up one of the 25,ooo messes that surround me on a daily basis. Today I logged on and looked at the other blogs that I follow. As far as I can tell exactly two have been updated in the past six months, and the most recent one was over two weeks ago. This led me to wonder. Is blogging dead? Has this made up phase of Internet culture surpassed us? Has the age of Twitter (which I still struggle to understand as well as resent as it has become a 'legitimate' news source in our society) risen above long form writing? I don't know. But given that the world is going to end today - if you believe conspiracy theorists and lunatics- I figured I might as well limit my self-loathing for the day and give the aliens aboard the asteroid that is tumbling toward Earth something to read.
Oh, you haven't heard of this yet? Well, I hope it isn't too late for you. Apparently, according to astronomers, there is some sort of air craft carrier sized piece of space junk passing by Earth today. By all accounts it will not hit Earth, or the Moon, but it will come closer than any asteroid has come to the planet in some time. It is important to note here that astronomers and scientists are in no way concerned about this being a threat to humanity, rather, most of them are looking at it as an excellent research opportunity. There is decidedly no danger to our existence. Unless, off course, you are a lunatic that thinks they are all lying.
In my Internet perusing, I have stumbled upon many an article (see: blog) that suggest this space junk will hit Earth, or the Moon, or both and just spiral us in to a hellish apocalypse. Depending on who you believe in this amateur doomsday religious fanaticism, some of you may be spared if you are A. Christian. B. In the government or C. living in the state of New Hampshire. Seriously. One guy seems to think that New Hampshire will be some sort of peninsula in a lake off fire spared from God, or the alien's wrath. However, I would contend that a world where the only people left are people from New Hampshire is the equivalent to Hell on Earth. That is, unless you like rednecks, republican racism, personalized license plates and sloppy, drunk, slutty women. And, let's be honest, who doesn't love those things?
Much of the reasoning behind this doomsday theory is centered around a nationwide test of the Emergency Alert System (EAS), which most of you are familiar with as that horrifying noise that shocks you awake after you fall asleep with your TV on, or that thing that messes up your cable box so you have to reset it and loose your channel guide and features for an hour. Well, apparently, they now have the ability to send out alerts on this on a nationwide basis from the White House control room, among other places, in the event of, I don't know, attack or pandemic or any other variety of terrifying events- like asteroid threats. This, for some reason, does not make people happy. Because, obviously, our evil black president is planning some sort of attack on us today, because in the Bible it says something about the Mark of the Beast and not being gay and the collapse of the world financial system. Or something. Sorry, it's hard to keep track of on account of all of my sinning.
In any event, these idiots seem to think that because in a press release the government said it would be up to individual broadcast networks to add the 'this is only a test' audio to the production that it must not actually be a test. Some have gone as far as to speculate that they are hesitant to call it a test because they think this asteroid is going to hit Earth. Ignoring, of course, that the EAS test is scheduled for 2 p.m. and the asteroid isn't expected to pass Earth until nearly 7 p.m. But let's not let the facts get in the way of our conspiracy theory. Head to your bomb shelters. Wait, you don't have a bomb shelter?! Obama does. That's what you get for shopping at Target and listening to gangsta rap.
There, now that we have covered that, and we are all ready to burn in hell a few hours from now, you know, because there is porn on the Internet or something, let's look at some other events that have taken place since we last met here on this blog, shall we?
1. Occupy Everywhere. In case you missed it, some angry folks decided that they could somehow solve the world's financial nightmares by continuously camping out on Wall Street and protesting American capitalism. Somewhere along the line, hippies and unemployed college students decided it would be a good idea to do this in other cities. Things didn't go so well in Oakland, where there were riots (honestly, what did they expect) and there were spattered amounts of other incidents across the country. Here in Boston it seems that most of these smelly rich kids with a cause did little more than play acoustic guitar and bitch about student loans, accomplishing nothing. For all I know they could still be there. I'm not sure, though, because I have a job, and things to do with my life. On a hilarious side note, there was a brief Occupy Salem movement, which resulted in exactly four people standing outside the post office holding one sign that said 'End the War.' Great job guys.
I'm not necessarily against protest and rebellion. All I'm saying is that these kids would make more of a difference if they just went to class and learned something. Then maybe they can use their brains to change things. Instead of smoking weed in a tent and getting mad at the police.
2. Penn State sex scandal. This story is disgusting and infuriating. In case you missed it, an assistant football coach at Penn State is accused of raping and molesting young boys over a 15-year span, many times in the facilities of the university. He met these boys through a charity that he established specifically to help underprivileged young boys. Now two members of the university have been brought up on perjury charges for lying to the grand jury during an investigation, and several others have been scrutinized for not informing authorities after another coach walked in on the suspect and a young boy doing it in the shower. It is widely speculated that the university, as well as university police, kept the incidents quiet to avoid scandal. If this is true, they should throw all of them in jail.
Here is my thing. I have read a lot about this and it fascinates me. All of these former players and coaches and community members are saying how shocked they are that someone they knew and loved could do this. They had no idea. Despite at least two documented occasions where this man was caught in the shower with a young boy. According to the indictment, this man would take young boys on vacation with him, he would let them stay over night at his house, he would bring them on campus and seemingly everywhere that he went. Now, I get that he ran a charity for these boys, but c'mon. How does your wife not know you are raping these kids in your basement? 'Oh, hey honey, I'm gonna go check on little Billy and make sure he is ok, I'll be back in a half hour." Is she blind? Mute? Paraplegic? How does no one that you work with get suspicious when you are bringing an 11-year-old to lift waits and practice wrestling moves? I don't know any pedophiles, but I like to think that if I did I would be able to identify them based solely on behavior. People who rape kids can't act normal in every day social situations, right? And if I worked with them every day I might ask myself a few questions if there is always an 8-year-old boy in tow. Right? Maybe I'm off base here, but it seems like even the slightest suspicion of child rape should be handled better than this.
3. The Justin Bieber pregnancy scandal. I can't decide if I want the baby to be his or not. On one hand, if it is, he will have disappointed legions of fans and followers who thought he was wholesome, he will have to pay millions in child support and his squeaky clean image will be shattered. All of these things are good. However, I can see all of this backfiring. I can see him becoming a 'bad boy' and gaining more fans, as well as the sympathy of others for the gold-digging baby mama. Then he will turn 19 or 20 and just get to nail all of the hot actresses. Honestly, I kind of always hoped he was gay. Not like, regular gay. Like, creepy, I can't let go of my childhood because fame robbed it from me, child molester, Michael Jackson gay. I don't even know if that is classified as being gay. I think it is more ambiguous, disgusting sexual deviance. Yeah, that's what I want. I want Bieber to be hated and shunned by society because he is a creep.
4. The Michael Jackson trial. Speaking of the King of Creep himself, MJ's doctor was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, or something like that, this week. I guess he's guilty but for Christ sake, was Michael Jackson really the picture of health? How much longer was he going to live? Oh, and let me remind you, he was also a pedophile. Which means that the only thing he deserves more than death is eternal prison beatings. I say let this guy off with a fine and some probation. One less pervert off the streets.
5. Andy Rooney is dead. I totally thought this happened five years ago.
I am sure there are more stories we could discuss, most that are probably more important to society and involve fewer pedophiles, but I am largely out of touch and I don't much care for politics and world news. I am a simple man. The EAS will tell me if I should be concerned. Unless you want to discuss what happened on Thomas and Friends or Curious George today. On an interesting side note, Av calls Curious George 'Monkeyous George' which is just hilarious.
Av is doing well. She is an almost-three-year-old, which means she is largely a dick. She is usually pretty funny, especially when she says things like 'I told you 100 times I don't want to get dressed" or "You always tell me to be careful. Don't tell me again or you are going to go in to a time out." The NBA is in a lockout, the Patriots suck, I'm tired of my job and I have had three bad weeks of bowling in a row. Everything is falling apart. Just in time for the annual winter mental meltdown. Nice.
See, it is a good thing that I have Av as a distraction, because the world has lost it's damn mind and I can't handle it. I don't need to be getting fired up over pedophile celebrities and asteroids every day. I have enough internal conflict to deal with.
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