Episode 29: Sleep schemes

Since the day Av was born getting her to take a nap during the day has been a constant battle. She is just too active, too interested in what you are doing and too stubborn to go down without a fight. This has created some problems, most notably in the sense that if she doesn't nap, then I don't get to nap. If I don't get to nap, I get grouchy, and no one wants that. (On a less important note, I would say her lack of sleep is the number one reason this blog isn't updated more frequently, but the number two reason is my own laziness so we'll give her a pass).

This also means that I will occasionally randomly fall asleep in inappropriate places. Like on the floor while we are playing. Or at the kitchen table when I try to feed her. I always remember as a kid wondering why my dad had to 'rest his eyes' every day in the afternoon. Now I get it.

To make matters worse, anyone and everyone that we know, with or without children, seem to think that they are experts on this sort of thing. First it is the 'oh my, she should be sleeping more than that!' followed by some useless, know it all advice that never works. Other parents are the worst at giving advice, because for some reason, they fail to realize that every kid is different and think that just because their precious little loser did something one way our child has to do it the same.

(OK, maybe calling their children 'losers' was out of line, but prior to becoming a father I hated children and having a baby did little to change this. Sure, I love my own kid, but I still can't really stand being around or hearing about anyone else's)

The fact of the matter is that, for whatever reason, Av is just too excited and high strung most days to put in any significant sleep. She will nap for 15-30 min at a time, and about once a week her body will force her in to taking an epic two-hour break, but even getting those naps started is a challenge.

So, with this essentially becoming a way of life for me, I now find myself in a battle with an infant over sleep on a daily basis. Taking a ride in the car is always the most effective method, as the baby is lulled to sleep by the motion and vibrations of the road. This is a bad habit to get in to, however, as going for a drive is not always appropriate, and she is growing out of her snap-in car seat very fast. (Part of Av's many wonderful resistances to sleep also includes an inability to remain sleeping if she is moved from one area to another. Thus, I cannot take her out of the car seat and bring her upstairs without ruining the nap).

As for non car naps, they are essentially non existent. On occasion, if she is tired enough and I feed her a warm bottle she will fall asleep in my arms, but again, if I try to move her anywhere she is up right away.

So, over time I have learned that the key to naps is to make her as tired as humanly possible and force her body in to passing out.

This was our plan yesterday.

After a failed morning nap (ruined by our incredibly annoying and inconsiderate neighbors- more on them below),we set out for a few errands in the hope that she would take a car seat nap and be half way pleasant for the rest of the day.

We had a fun little trip to the pet store and the animal shelter (she likes to laugh at the captive pets), but she failed to sleep in the car at any point during the trip, so I was forced to improvise. What followed was an attempt to tire her out by making her visit anyone and everyone that I could think of. First, it was a stop at the old store I used to work at, Athlete's Corner (home to some loyal bog readers), where we spent about a half hour socializing, something that I thought would wear her out, but did not.

Next, it was off for a little walk to the liqueur store and grocery store to kill some time. Still no dice. Finally, I decided to drag her back to Salem and in to my current place of employment, the Beer Works, where I knew my friend was bar tending. At the very least, I thought, the 15 minute drive would be enough to put her over the top. It wasn't. We spent another half hour there where she was fawned over by waitresses and Brazilian cooks alike. This did a lot to stroke her little ego (you can't blame them, I mean, she is adorable) but little to tire her out.

So, with my failed mission behind me we returned home and waited for Monica, who always seems better at this sleep thing than I am. The one good thing about the lack of naps is that she does sleep much better at night, pretty much straight through now, but unlike her, Mom and Dad don't go to bet at 6:30, so the early morning wake up calls are tougher for us to handle.

This brings me to my neighbors. After another day of not napping today the tired, grouchy feeling that both of us had finally came to a head around 1:30. With both of us irritated, a play session in the living room turned in to a tear-filled fit and a hasty carry down to the car for a sleep ride. Just one trip around the block did the trick, she was passed out like she had been under aged drinking on prom night.

I carried her upstairs in the car seat, put her in her room and quietly closed the door. I had just settled in on the couch, ready to nap myself, when the McSlammerson family that lives downstairs came home.

There are only four of them, Mom, her boyfriend and two middle-school aged girls, but whenever they come home it sounds like a stampede of rhinos. I don't even think it is the girls that make the most noise, either.

I have particular disdain for the mother because she does nothing with her life and she appears to be very mean to her kids. She has no job and seemingly no life. She just sits around all day listening to music and not taking down her Halloween decorations three weeks later.

Now, I understand that I, too, am around all day, but I have a baby with me. She is alone. Her kids are 10 and 8. Get a job. And don't give me that 'art school' BS either because I know that you only go at night. The boyfriend is a nice guy, but I am not sure what he does, either. He is back and forth during the day, and spends most nice evenings skateboarding in the street in front of the house. Yes. Adult skateboarding. Unless you're getting paid adults should never skateboard. I like playing basketball. Do you know when the last time I had a chance to play basketball was? Again. Your kids are in middle school. Get a job.

The problem, I suppose, is not with their seemingly useless lives, it is more with the amount of noise they make in the process of doing nothing. Every time they leave or come home the doors are slammed. I mean SLAMMED, to the point where they shake the house. This is totally un called for. We share a back door that requires some extra effort to close, sure, but when they leave it sounds like they attach a boulder to the door knob by a string and let it roll down the street until the door is slammed through the frame.

To make a long rant shorter, the Slam Family decided to come home about ten minutes after I put Av down. Not only did they slam all of the doors, but Mean Mom was also yelling at one of her poor children ,and their dog was barking to go out. Thus, to add to the noise, my baby started crying. Thanks, idiots. I live my life like an old person, maybe we should move to an old person apartment building, too. They never make noise. Well, except for when the ambulance comes.