Episode 138: Misbehaving parrents and the absurdity that is YMCA art class

I don't know if it is because of my age. Maybe it is my beard. Or perhaps it is just because I am a man, but I am beginning to notice that the other parents we come in contact with really do not like me. This is something that has been going on for a little while now, but I have to say it is starting to increase in frequency.

I am certainly not the type of guy to want to make friends with other parents. Ever. My fear of other kids has subsided somewhat, but their parents are still off limits to me. But since Av and I have started attending more and more organized events, such as art class and the open gym and the Nazi-like Marblehead YMCA, I have been forced in to close quarters with more parents than I would like. When you are at the park or Monkey Joe's the parents are disposable. You can come and go as you please and you really don't have to see them again. But at art class it is the same crew every week and it starts to wear on me. Here are a few profiles.

We'll start with my least favorite woman of them all. I don't know her name, I don't know her kids' names and I don't care. She has told me, but I dislike her so much I think I have started to forget on purpose. My name for her is Disrespectfully Late Lady, or for this purpose, we'll just call her DLL. DLL has something like 75-80 kids. Ok, it is probably more like four, but the way she talks about it you would think she was like that lady on 19 kids and counting. I have only met two of the kids, two girls like 3 and 4-years-old, who have some sort of trendy snob names that I don't remember. DLL's name is pretty self explanatory. Class starts at 9 a.m. The earliest I've ever seen her show up is 9:15. And that was only once. Usually she rolls in around 9:25-9:30. I used to think that she was just an idiot and didn't know what time the class started, but after a while of observing this behavior I have concluded that she is just a self-absorbed wanna-be MILF with too many kids.

I say wanna-be MILF because she is the opposite of one. A MIWNF if you will. (No, I will not explain that acronym or what MILF is. If you don't know, Google it). She is shaped kind of like a sun-stained, worn out, freckled, too old to have kids inflatable pear- and that is putting it nicely. My problem with this woman, though, is not her appearance or her inability to arrive on time. It is her judgmental mom attitude. Her kids are by far the oldest ones there, and she seems to think that all of the 1 and 2-year-olds running around and half paying attention to the project are somehow horribly misbehaved. Even though art class is held in the same room as the YMCA toddler play group, which involves thousands of toys, art supplies, a wooden firetruck, a multi-room playhouse and a stage filled with costumes. The art class kids are allowed to play here and the do. Except for her snotty, well-behaved little girls who pony up to the table and pretend to formulate masterpieces.

DLL hates me. She gives me looks, she thinks Av is disrespectful and misbehaved (which is untrue, Av is very well behaved, she would just rather play with the toys than glue macaroni to paper most days.) She is also one of those moms who expects you to introduce yourself and your kid as soon as you walk in the door. The first day I got a look and a snide 'oh and what is her name again?' Which always, ALWAYS precedes this conversation.

"Her name is Avelyn."

"What is it?"

"Avelyn"

"Evelyn?"

"No. Avelyn. Evelyn with an A"

"Avelyn (mispronounced)"

"No. Av-a-lynn. One name. A-V-E-L-Y-N"

"Ohhh. That is unique."

Like, is it really that hard?

Anyway, DLL hates me and I don't care.

There is another mom in art class who is almost as bad. I, again, don't know her name but her daughter is either named Lila or Lilly. I can't remember which because they are both generic flower-like names. If you are going to name your kid after a flower, pick a less common one than Lilly. How about Violet? Violet is nice. Lilly makes me think of Lilly Tomlin. And Daisy makes me think of Daisy Fuentes. Which makes me think of that really dark period in history when she and Mario Lopez hosted an America's Funniest Home Videos ripoff.

Anyway, this lady is another one of those 'make friends' moms. Wants to know everyone's name and age right away. Listen, lady. I'm not at toddler art class to plan a birthday party. I'm here to get my kid out of the house for an hour and get paint on someone else's floor for a change. Now, we are in our second semester of art class, so when we showed up the first day of the new session there were some new people, including Lilly's mom. Just like DLL we had the 'what is her name' conversation the second we got there, but then it got worse. This lady decides that, on her first day of art class, without asking, she was going to bust out a snack. Not just bust out a snack, either, announce that she was busting out a snack, so that Av and the other kid there instantly wanted one. Worse yet, was the comment she made to me.

"Ohhh, I brought these veggies, I don't know if she will like them. They are healthy."

Screw you lady. Just, go away. Seriously. So self-righteous. Oh, I feed my kid healthy snacks. Like I walked in with a bag full of cane sugar, french fries and battery acid. Even worse than that was what she said last week to the teacher.

The teacher for the art class is not a teacher. She is some pre or post-grad co-ed who volunteers at the YMCA, like most of the staff is there. She took over the class after the last chick got a job. She is 25 at the absolute oldest. She does her best given that she doesn't care at all. She always has a project and supplies and she explains it and lets the kids go to town. If they want her help she helps them. If they want to run off in to the playroom she doesn't care. Some days she is the only one in there while all the kids play (until DLL shows up) doing her own project. Leave her alone. She is fine. But no, on Wednesday Lilly's mom decides she is going to offer some advice. I shit you not, this lady said this.

"Hey, Jackie. It's Jackie, right?"

"No, it's Jess."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Jess, do you ever, like, research any of the projects we do here. Like, do you go online or to you just grab supplies and come up with it in the morning."

"Um. (looking as if she wants to punch this lady) I go on some really great craft sites, but the projects are limited by the supplies we have at the Y."

"Oh. Ok, just, today we used scissors and I just feel like that is too hard for little kids."

"Well, the scissors are for you to help them with. We made masks."

Jess is right. We made masks. The bulk of the project was gluing and coloring. I cut out eye holes. That's it.

"Oh. Ok, well, I just know that my other daughter goes to a class where they use macaroni. And that is cheap. You could get that yourself."

"I'll look in to that." Jess now walks out of the room, probably to go yell obscenities at a wall so she doesn't get fired from her volunteer job. I look at this lady and shake my head and walk out of the room.

This lady also hates me. This is what I deal with. We are trying to have a nice time, keep occupied on a Wednesday morning and I have DLL and flower name mom giving poor Jess shit and assuming that I feed my kid nothing but potato chips and candy. It is only going to get worse as she gets older, I suspect.

I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness. Cool band name.