Episode 104: I've had it with old people

Old people: Tiny, wrinkly portals of wisdom and experience. A constant reminder of our own mortality and, for most of us, our first introduction to sorrow and loss as a young child (depending on if one of your pets dies before one of your old-ass relatives). Up until about 16 hours ago I was OK with old people. It isn't their fault that they are old and slow. It is going to happen to everyone and most of them are doing their best. There are plenty of old people in this world that I love. My grandmother is 92 and one of my favorite people. Aside from the fact that many of them make me sad simply by still existing, I typically don't mind having old people around.

Today, though, I have finally just had it. Enough is enough. I have crossed over to the other side. The dark side. The side that says 'you know what? Old people need to be stopped. And they need to be stopped now.'

Excluding the sweet old ladies and charming old men that I care for (this includes both family and random old people I encounter, like the Portuguese can collector down the street and Bob the former Item elevator man), old people are assholes. They are inconsiderate, judgmental, grumpy, angry and constantly confused. It makes sense. They are just like normal human beings, only older. Thus, they possess all of the negative attributes that force me to despise 75 percent of the human race, and compound those already wonderful traits with an inability to hear, speak in a normal or polite tone of voice or accept any sort of change to their sad, quiet, lonely world. They also can't see and they usually smell.

I don't care if you spend your whole day volunteering at a nursing home of VA shelter, you know what I'm talking about. Old people are inconsiderate. They cut the line everywhere they go. They make unreasonable requests at restaurants and malls. They drink decaf coffee. Worse, for some completely inexplicable reason, they are allowed to drive. And drive they do. Slowly. Often times in to storefronts, parked cars or large groups of people gathered in or around a sidewalk or public park. They put-put along, getting confused in parking lots and taking the widest, slowest left-hand turns you can imagine.

Today I called an old man an 'old piece of shit' in the parking lot of Target.

That is the point of this rant. This is the old man that ruined my day. Forced me to swear in front of my child and effectively eliminated any sympathy that I once had (and I had a lot) for the independent elderly.

The incident occurred around 9:15 this morning. It was about 87 degrees out and I was walking out of Target holding Av in my left arm and pushing a cart that contained two 24-packs of bottled water, a 10 pound box of kitty litter and two grocery bags filled with miscellaneous items. In other words, it was pretty f-ing heavy.

In part because of the heat, my recent lack of sleep, and the fit that Av had just thrown in the macaroni and cheese aisle my mood was sour. The fit, by the way was exactly what I pictured a fit being before I was a father. She wanted to get out of the cart so she threw her juice on the ground, waited for me to bend over to pick it up and then tried to climb out. When I tried to make her sit back down she screamed and cried until took her out and carried her. This is why I was carrying her in my left arm pushing a 30 pound carriage. This is also why some people lose their shit and leave their kids on the fire department steps. I understand now.

Anyway, pouring sweat and struggling to get the cart to turn I stopped to take a short break in front of the store. We were not in the parking lot or in front of a cross walk. We were separated from the cars by a row of giant, red concrete balls, as are found in front of most Target retail locations. I was pleading with the baby to let me put her in the cart for the 45 seconds it would take us to walk across the parking lot to the car when I saw a gold Toyota Corolla out of the corner of my eye. It had stopped in the middle of the parking lot as if it were going to turn. I stood and watched the car for about 10 seconds before I realized that the fat, decrepit old man in the drivers seat was watching me. As he started to creep forward I started to walk in the direction of the car. Again, I was behind the red balls and not in the parking lot. As the old man slowly, I mean slowly, approached I could see him yelling in the car. He was waiving his arms at me and as he drove by angrily shook his head and muttered something I couldn't understand. Due to my already awful mood, this infuriated me. It pushed me over the cliff. Why was he mad at me? Did his crazy, old depth perception trick him in to thinking I was in front of his car? Did he want me to cross? Because my car was like four rows away, I wasn't crossing there anyway. Was he upset that I had not taken a more stern approach at getting my daughter in the cart? Who was this asshole to judge? He bought a gold car. I bet his kids turned out to be whores and criminals. These were all of the thoughts that ran through my mind in the five seconds it took him to crawl past me. Disregarding the fact that I was holding a toddler who likes to mimic words I spun around and said the only thing that came to mind. 'Go take a nap you old piece of shit!' Then I gave him the finger. Not just the regular finger, either. Like the long, extended, hold it up to make sure he sees you, and so that everyone else sees you and knows this guy is an asshole finger. Then I looked at the baby, apologized, and walked to the car.

In my mind I was hoping he came back and gave me a talk on being disrespectful or a bad parent. Because I would have been able to call him more names. Like Dr. Wrinkles. But he was probably too damn old to even know I reacted. Was it a bit inappropriate? Of course. Was it out of line? Sure. I don't care. I have had it. That guy goes about his day being pissed off that he is old and judging other people's lives for it. My only regret was the 'go take a nap' part, because that was pretty much all I wanted to do at that point, too. I can't blame him for doing that. I meant the 'old piece of shit' part, though.

So today, September 2, 2010, I am officially done with old people. There will be no more new old people in my life and I will no longer refrain from blasting my horn at them if the are holding up traffic. Do you know that this afternoon I drove behind an old man for three side streets while he drove on the wrong side of the road? You bet your ass I judgmentally shook my head at him as I blew past.

I know that there are plenty of nice old people out there and I know that someday I am going to be a grumpy, wet myself old man who needs to get somewhere, too. Still, though, I am going to be the first one at the polls when they finally come to their senses and let us vote to take away driving privileges from these menaces. Unemployment in this state is astronomical, I know a lot of people who could use a paycheck for driving grumpy old people around. Besides, isn't that why we have kids? I am noting every day, like today, where my kid is a jerk to me and cashing them in when I'm 80.

"Hey, Av. Remember that day in 2010 when you threw a fit in Target, pooped on my bedroom floor and launched a bunch of your toys off of our second floor porch just to be a jerk? Well, I need a ride to the doctor." Don't think I won't go in to detail about that colonoscopy on the way home, either.

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Happy Birthday, Joe. My gift to you is this bad ass Nonpoint montage. Enjoy.