Episode 103: That time my kid peed at PetSmart

Welcome back everyone. i hope your summer break was nice an relaxing. It is September 1 and we are officially back in to the swing of things. Monica is back to teaching snobby, snot-nosed, aristocratic pre-teens and I am back to trying not to permanently scar our child on a daily basis. Of course, it doesn't quite feel like it should be back to school time since it is 100 degrees outside, but hey, I don't make the schedule. So far, three days back in to it, I can definitively say two things. 1. Av is much more of a handful than she was three months ago and 2. I am unspeakably exhausted. Somehow we are back to the 6 a.m. wake up time. Not good, man. Not good. I'll be lucky if I don't pass out while I write this.

I will say that I am not nearly as nervous as I was at this time last year when I had just quit my full time job in favor of taking care of a baby all day, but I am certainly not entirely comfortable the second time around, either. Simple activities that used to occupy Av are no longer good enough as she has evolved in to a running, talking, wise ass little person, and the likelihood of her getting in to some sort of trouble increases by the day. One thing that hasn't changed in a year, though, is her uncanny ability to relieve herself in the most inappropriate places at the most inappropriate times. Like next to the small aquarium tanks at PetSmart.

The baby and I are frequent visitors to PetSmart, as it is not just a pet store, but also a satellite location for the local animal shelter, meaning there are always fresh, young kitties on display. It also has a dog training ring that is right in the middle of the store, large windows where you can watch dogs being groomed and a variety of fish, reptiles, birds and rodents on sale. In other words, this place is like a zoo for household animals. (That is a great business idea, by the way. Open a zoo for little kids with kittens and puppies and rabbits. They can play with them, pet them etc.. Excellent idea. Don't steal it. I'm going to open one as soon as I get my zoology degree.) We used to head in whenever we needed cat supplies, but now Av is smart enough to know when we are pulling in to the parking lot, which it shares with a bank, a Target and a Shaws, so now we pretty much end up there any time we have to run errands. This morning I was just trying to pay the rent but didn't make it out of the car before she was yelling "KITTIES!" and forcefully pointing at the store. I gave in. Surprise!

Av's pattern at the store is the same. First we look at the kitties then she takes off running through the store to see the fish and other animals before returning to the kitty cages where she plays with them through the Plexiglas. The people at the store are very friendly and never seem to care that she is running around like a terror yelling at the animals. In fact, most of them think it is funny. Especially the part where she is terrified of birds. (Seriously, she inherited my fear I think. Whenever we see a bird at the store or at the zoo she buries her head in my shoulder and says 'no.')

Anyway, we were over by the turtle tank today when Av decided that she didn't want to wear her diaper anymore. I kind of noticed that she was grabbing at it and I thought maybe it was uncomfortable so I reached down, loosened the tabs and readjusted it. We took a few more steps and she started pointing at a lizard and getting real excited. I know now that this was designed as a diversion. As I was looking at the lizard she was grabbing at the diaper again. I looked down to see it around her ankles and her smiling at me with that mischievous 'yeah, I just did that' look. There is no doubt in my mind that she tricked me. 'Daddy, lizard!" She doesn't give a shit about lizards, she just wanted to pee on the floor. (Ok, so she didn't say 'lizard, per say, bit was more like 'uzed' but I knew what she meant).

Before I had a chance to react she took off running, but she had only undone one tab so she immediately fell. I sprang in to action, not because I thought she was hurt, but because I wanted to get the diaper back on before anyone noticed and, of course, before she peed on the floor. Too late. As I reached down and stood her up I could hear the pee hitting the floor. She was going and there was nothing I could do but wait for her to stop.

Horrified, I swiveled my head around to see if anyone had noticed. The coast was clear. In what actually turned out to be a stroke of luck, none of the pee got on the diaper, meaning I was able to quickly re attach it to her wet ass and whisk her away from the crime scene to the hamster food section where I scolded her/ put her back together. My first reaction was to bolt the store, but that would make me look guilty. Instead, I just Wandered over to the complete other side and slowly made my way out the door. Who knows how long the pee sat there before someone noticed. It doesn't matter. As long as they don't know it was us. Really, how would they? Review the surveillance? This is a store that people walk through with dogs all day. It is perfectly conceivable that one of those disgusting creatures decided to go all over the floor. What's more, if you are going to let your dog pee on the floor my kid should be allowed to do it, too. Right? Right.

So, conflict was avoided but I was once again left to make a quick decision in a circumstance that involved human waste. This happens to me way, way too often. That is one of the things they don't tell you about before you become a dad. Sure, you have to change diapers, but there is going to be a lot of cleaning up non-diaper incidents as well. Like when you kid poops int he bathtub, or pees at PetSmart. Thanks for the heads up, society. It is going to be a long, long winter Stay tuned.