I realize that in the grand scheme of children's television Nick Jr.'s long running saga of a computer animated dog (who doesn't speak) and his clever little game of 'guess what I'm thinking' falls somewhere in between likable and tolerable to most people, and it isn't close to being a classic like Sesame Street or Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, but in a way it has defined a generation of this country's children.
Most people my age may have missed the Blue's Clue's bandwagon, as it debuted in 1996, when most of us were becoming teenagers and were more concerned with such life-changing programs as Saved By the Bell (which I admittedly never watched, my favorite show in 1996 and pretty much straight through its last episode in 2004 was the Drew Cary Show, I know, weird), but I am sure most of you at least remember the erroneous rumors of the show's first host dropping dead of a heroin overdose. In any event, mainly as a result of my youngest sister being 1 at the time the show first aired, I had quite a bit of exposure to the first few seasons.
The basic premise of the show follows a 20-something dude named Steve and his world of computer animated friends, namely his puppy, Blue. Most everything in his house has a name and voice and they all help him in the main goal of each episode- to solve Blue's Clues. To explain Blue's Clues, I'll recite the simple explanation Steve gives.
'To play Blue's Clues first we have to find a paw print, that is our first clue. Then we write it in out handy dandy notebook.' See, simple. Anyone can do it. Once you get three clues, you sit down in the thinking chair and figure the damn thing out.
As far as kid show hosts go, Steve (played by a man named Steven Burns) is probably the best one out there not named Fred Rogers. Subtly funny, a little dumb and flawless in his acting despite having nothing but a blue screen behind him, his wry smile and little jokes made watching kid shows as a high school freshman tolerable. Such is life, my sister got older and I started doing the whole go to work try to get girls to make out with you thing that 15-year-old kids do and that was it for the show. At some point along the line I remember Blue getting a friend named Magenta and Steve leaving the show to go to 'college' and being replaced by his 'cousin' Joe. There were rumors that Burns died of an overdose, which he later thwarted in a live appearance on the Today show, where he revealed that he had recorded an album called 'Songs for Dustmites' with the Flaming Lips . Cool. End of story.
(Anyone interested in hearing what sort of legitimate alternative music Steve came up with, just You Tube 'Steven Burns.' It's actually not that bad, considering. At the very least, it would be worth seeing live, if for no other reason then to drunkenly yell 'Mail Song! Play the Mail Song' during lulls in the action).
Fast forward about eight years to the beginning of the month when I reluctantly placed phone call to Comcast so that I could add premium kid's channels to my cable package (yeah, Nick Jr. is a PAY CHANNEL now. That is so absurd I can't even begin to articulate it). The main reason for this was so that I could On Demand Yo Gabba Gabba, a show that Av particularly enjoys.
(If you haven't seen this show, look here for a sample- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDG0c3saE4I&feature=channel. )
If you don't have kids, I recommend getting some sort of high before you watch an episode. Totally worth it. Also, Biz Markie makes an appearance every episode with his 'beat of the day.' Also a bonus.
The Nick Jr. On Demand features also include old Blue's Clues episodes (it went off the air in 2006), so I figured Av and I would settle in to watch. Maybe she would like it. We watched maybe 3-4 episodes together, restoring my memory of the show and sparking what I believe to be her first TV crush. Seriously, she looks away and gets shy every time Steve is on the screen. It is hysterical. After a day or twol I started scrolling through the episodes and saw one labeled 'new.'
'Cool,' I thought. "One we haven't seen yet."
Much to my horror, the 'new' episode was in fact, really new, and featured Steve's cousin, Joe- his replacement from when he went to 'college.' After about 1.5-2 seconds Joe, played by shittily lame actor Donovan Patton, immediately made my blood boil. Steve's subtle mannerisms and seamless interaction with the audience and computer generated characters were replaced with some big, dumb, clumsy, exaggerated goon with a douche bag personality and an annoying tendency to point out how 'new' he is to Steve's house. Gone, too, was the subtle intro, replaced with some shit song not worth repeating, and Steve's pleasant green polo shirt, replaced instead with a series of dumb ass rugby sweaters of varying colors.
Joe's singing voice is about as lame as lame can get, and so are his songs. His jokes aren't funny and his eyes get too big when he looks at the camera. Want me to keep going? Because I can. The point of the story is that this guy sucks at being the host of Blue's Clues and the fact that he lasted as long as he did is a miracle. I have seen a lot of changes on kid's shows in my life (don't even get me started on the recent changes to Sesame Street, specifically Cookie Monster) but this one has to be by far the worst. Sure, I get that it was Burns who left the show voluntarily, but did they have to grab the first knuckle-headed weirdo that walked in to the audition? How bad was everyone else?
Furthermore, the guy just looks like some sort of dorm room date rapist. "Hey baby, I have a muscular build and work on a kid's show, here's some champagne.'
I don't know what happened to Patton after Blue's Clues, but if I ever see him out you had better be damn sure that he'll know what I think of him.
You may find my affinity for Steve creepy or strange in some way, and I accept that, but put yourself in my shoes. Imagine if you were forced to watch children's shows and one of the few you enjoy was ruined by some dink who can't even get the damn songs right. Frigging travesty.
Steve = cool.
Joe = suck rapist
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