Episode 13: LL Cool Dad

"So, you guys are, like, best pals now, huh?"

That was the line Mommy gave me in a rather resentful tone the other day, when she realized her worst fears had become a reality: the Daddy Daycare experiment has been fairly successful in its first two weeks of existence. I don't think that she necessarily wanted me to fail, but I do think that deep down she was hoping that the baby would be a little bit sick of me by the end of the day, or at the very least, give the impression that her time with Mommy was much more fun.

Not that I am saying it isn't, of course, but as it turns out, I am a pretty undeniably cool Dad. 

In actuality, I feel like infants would probably love and enjoy being around anyone who feeds them, makes them feel safe and hands them toys, but It appears that is not the case here. In this case, it appears that my daughter has realized how cool her Dad is. As a result, knock on wood, it looks like things are going well so far with this little partnership we have.

For starters, the screaming has stopped when she sees me first thing in the morning, and my body is adjusting to this whole 6 a.m. thing, which is actually becoming more like a 6:45 thing now (she's probably tired from all the unstoppable awesomeness and fun she has with me all day long).  She is also a big fan of when I feed her now, which was not the case for the first few days. I think it is because I give her the fancy apple sauce with the granola.

Apart from our playing and making faces at each other, we have started having fun running errands together. Of course, there are the Walmart trips and the walk to the Asian convenience store down the street, but I think I may have pushed it too far today. 

One of the things I have found about being home all day is that I find it difficult to get motivated to do things. In fact, I kind of almost understand why fat people on welfare and illegal immigrants with no jobs enjoy doing nothing all day. It is easy, and pretty relaxing. That, combined with three days of working this weekend means that we had a lot to do when Monday came around.

Usually Av is good for 1-2 errands, maybe three if she naps, but today I got cocky and we decided to hammer them all out at once. We got off to bad start right away because I asked her to "help" me hold the shopping list at Walmart, but then had to take it away from her when she tried to stuff the entire thing down her throat. Of course, this pissed her off and she proceeded to throw a fit. To compound things, the Salem Walmart was out of formula, which was the entire reason we were there, so I had to abandon the cart, load the baby back in the Impala and head for the Lynnway.

Believe it or not, the Lynnway Walmart is actually much nicer than the Salem location, but it is still Walmart. Av screamed at me the entire way to Lynn, before she dozed off as we were pulling in to the parking lot. Of course, that nap was short-lived, as a car alarm started screaming as soon as we got out of the car. Determined to complete my mission, and already like 25 minutes away from my house, I decided to just take the pissed off baby in to the store. It is Walmart. Surely she will not be the only crying baby. I did, and she wasn't. She actually calmed down by the time that we left. 

This, of course gave me the confidence to continue with my other errands. the Post Office was next. The closest post office to the Lynnway is in downtown Lynn, but I decided I didn't want to go that route, so I stopped at the one in Swampscott that is on the way to the bank. For some reason, this baby loves the Post Office. She was bright and smiley and having fun, so, I figured we could make it to the bank. Bad decision.

Almost immediately upon returning to the car after the Post Office trip she started screaming at me again, probably because she wanted to suck on my keys and I wouldn't let her. I was loosing cool Dad status, and fast. But I had a bunch of cash on me and I was determined, so in to Bank of America we went.

She was screaming when we came in, but the dim lights and faint music must have shocked her in to a state of calm, because she shut right up. For a second. I was barely done filling out the deposit slip when she started yelling at me. Not crying. Yelling. Like if she could talk she would say, "Dad, get me out of this fucking car seat NOW!"

Nothing makes pissed off babies more pissed off than when complete strangers think they are helping by getting in her face or trying to make her laugh. She is a baby, not a mental health patient. You asking her questions she can't answer is only annoying her. 

"Awwww, somebody wants a lollypop, don't you?"

No, she doesn't. She has no idea what a lollypop is. She wants to go home and play. And she wants you to leave her the hell alone. 

The bank teller was very nice, but one of her co- workers was really irritating. This fat old woman kept coming over and trying to talk to "him," (which she said like 13 times despite the fact that she was wearing jeans with a giant pink cupcake patch on them) and then decided that she, too was going to offer Av a lollypop. 

Really? Does she look old enough to have a fucking lollypop? She has two teeth. Come on. 

What happened next would have been something disastrous if I wasn't so annoyed with the woman and the other people in line who wouldn't leave her alone. She decided that in line at the bank would be a phenomenal time to take a massive dump. I'm talking one of those ones where her entire face turns red and you can smell it three blocks away. It was disgusting. But you know what? I don't care. I hope that bank lobby stinks like baby shit all day. You can blame fat Dawn with the red blouse. I think Av probably shit on purpose, just to get that irritating lady away from her. 

So, my mission was partially successful, achieving three of the five errands I had, all while persevering through several fits and melt downs and an epic dump that no doubt is still choking bank customers. My cool Dad points did definitely take a hit today, which means Av will probably be happy to see Mom this afternoon when she gets dropped off. That will make Mom happy and give me a chance to figure out something cool to do tomorrow. Hopefully I won't have to go to Walmart again.