I would like to think that I am a pretty cool Dad. I am fun to hang out with. I don't get drunk and yell, or bring shady women home or beat anyone up. I am pretty flexible and my tolerance for shitty children's programing is pretty high (this, of course, coming from a guy who almost exclusively watches auto racing, Dog the Bounty Hunter and re-runs of Arrested Development and the A-Team online).
But for some reason, despite my coolness the past two days have been epically miserable for Av, who essentially has done nothing but cry, nap and eat. I suspect that it is entirely because of the teething, which has to be painful. She really only seems happy when she is gumming a chew-toy, or her personal favorite, a nice, cold Poland Spring bottle (she prefers beer bottles, actually, but I try to curb that since A. that will tempt me to drink the beer and then give her the bottle and B. if I don't open it it will skunk).
I also suspect that aside from the pain of pushing through a tooth or two, the effects of baby Tylenol cannot be kind to a stomach that has experienced little more than Gerber and formula since birth. This only compounds her misery and results in some pretty nasty looking poop, too.
(If anyone is looking for a quick, cheap good time, get yourself some baby Oragel. That was the best 15 minutes I spent all day. Your gums go numb. FUN! Now if only they made something that does that to adults... wait. They do. It is called cocaine. Baby Oragel is much safer. Trust me.)
The only good thing that has come out of the two-day fit-throwing marathon is that she is taking lot of naps, so I have opportunities to do things like laundry. It is nice knowing that I was able to wash the sheets today, and I can now sleep with confidence that I am not laying on a puke stain from earlier in the day. (Sometimes I just toss her on the bed and let her roll around until she gets tired. She pukes almost every time.)
I guess the one thing that I have learned is why people charge so much for day care. I used to think $300/ week was outrageous, but to be perfectly honest, if Av wasn't my kid and I had to spend all day with her, I'd probably put her in the trash. It is unreal the patience you have for your own kid. I can barely stand being behind someone at the self-checkout. I routinely threaten people on bicycles who ride with traffic. Yet I somehow manage not to lose my temper when an infant kicks me in the chest with a foot she just dragged through her own poop. Unreal.
If I had to watch 3-4 kids every day, each one with their own ass ache, I'd probably demand a grand from each parent. Which brings me to my point. The government should take the money that they are wasting in Iraq, or wherever you happen to think the government is wasting money (there are plenty of choices) and pay stay-at-home parents a weekly salary. I know, I know, this sounds an awful lot like welfare. Well, I don't qualify for welfare because I am a little too put together for the government. So, I think it is time for a new initiative. This way, you can eliminate pretentious, yuppie moms who open day care centers and actually allow people to raise their own kids. So kids never end up in the trash. Perfect idea. Dan Baer for President in 2012. Anyone with me? Anyone?
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