I wasn't going to post this today because I feel like it is a little bit awkward but I have been struggling to find content and motivation lately, so screw it- we're all friends here.
Spending an entire day with Av is a strange experience from start to finish, and one of the biggest challenges is the fact that she never, ever lets me out of her sight. Not when I'm doing chores, not when we're eating and definitely not when I am going to the bathroom. If anyone out there has small children you know that heading in to that room and closing the door is not an option. Peaceful defecation does not exist in my house. It is bad enough when Monica is home and I just have to hear the incessant pounding on the door while she yells 'Daddy!' 'Daddy, doo doo?' but when I am the only one here I actually get the pleasure of letting her come in to the bathroom with me. Awesome. Let me tell you there is nothing like trying to take a piss and stop a child from touching the toilet, getting in to the cleaning cabinet and climbing in to the bathtub all at the same time. It is even better when I am going 'doo doo's' because she dedicates her time in the bathroom to trying to 'help' me wipe my ass, which really just means unrolling the toilet paper and trying to hand it to me. Cool.
The same can be said for getting changed/ dressed in the morning. I try to sneak off and get changed real quick, but usually she is right behind me, in my closet trying to find anything yellow for me to wear. Yellow is her favorite color. I don't think it is so much because of the way it looks, I think she just feels cool that she can say it and she likes to show off. Then she yells at me if I don't put the right shirt on and tries to get me to pick her up while I put my pants on. She does this on purpose. She loves to be a pain in the ass. It is like her hobby.
Anyway, the point is this: For a solid 4-5 months now I have been doing anything and everything I can to prevent the baby from seeing my junk. It is just weird. I don't know what to do or how to explain it or handle it. I don't want her little face asking nonsensical questions and I certainly don't want her to reach out and try to touch it. I really just don't know how to deal with it and, frankly, I feel like it is too soon to find out. There is no reason for her to know about wangs. Ever, really. EVER! Or at least not until she is 30. There have been a few occasions in the past where she has caught a glimpse of the little guy - it is inevitable when she watches me pee- but she has never really acknowledged it before. I assume that she was perhaps confused, or maybe it didn't register. Whatever the case, that changed today.
This morning I was getting us ready to go and still needed to change in to clothing that didn't make me feel like a societal drone, which really just means that I had to lose the sweat pants. I knew this was going to require a certain amount of wang exposure, so I tried to come up with something to distract her. TV- good call. I put on Zaboomafoo and snuck off in to the bedroom to change (don't worry, our apartment is the size of a shoebox, she was fine). She seemed really interested in the show so I figured I had a minute and stripped down to nothing so I could, for once, actually change in to an entire full set of clean clothes. Combine that with the fact that I was able to shower at about 2 a.m. when I got home from work and brush my teeth and I was close, very close, to entering the world as a clean, freshly changed, hygienic human being for the first time in days. It was at this time that Av decided she was going to come see what I was doing. Her little feet pitter pattered in to the bedroom where I was standing and I was faced with the challenge of confronting her while wearing nothing but a pair of socks. She let out a gasp, a giggle and said 'uh oh' (thanks, kid) and ran toward me, index finger extended like ET. In a panic I threw on a pair of jeans and tried to pull them up but they were jeans, so it isn't always that easy. I don't exactly have a super model figure these days. Plus, having learned from experience, it is very important to gingerly pull the jeans up over the junk when going commando as to not catch anything on a zipper or button. All of this caused enough of a delay to where she was able to reach my area with the junk still exposed. Thankfully she pulled back the index finger and stopped short of trying to touch it, instead she just put her arms behind her back and said 'oooohhhh' and then made an elephant noise. Yes, an elephant noise. That's right, Av, daddy has an elephant trunk.
With that moment out of the way I just zipped up and went about my business, never to speak of it again. Kind of like if one college roommate catches the other one doing something weird and just files it away in to the silent memory bank. Like the time we came home from a night of drinking and found that one of our roommates who did not participate had video taped himself having sex with some fat girl and accidentally left the video up on the TV screen. Gross.
In any event, the baby thinks my wang is an unimpressive elephant trunk. Cool. I feel like we have accomplished something today.
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