Anyway, we all remember Av's vicious face injury last week and I am happy to report that the gigantic gash is slightly less gigantic now and we have managed to avoid any gross, puss-filled eye infections up to this point. Cool. Still, she now seems hell bent on getting hurt in some fashion every single day. She does ridiculous things like try to stand up on chairs when she has no balance, try to climb out of the shopping cart at Target and slit her head open on the floor and try to pick up the cat, which is kind of like writing a formal request for a gross, dull house cat claw in the eye. Just about a half hour ago she ran up behind me and jumped on to my back, smashing her tooth in to the back of my head. Its like a mission. A commitment to getting hurt. It literally takes everything I have just to make sure that she isn't cramming forks in to her eyes or trying to scale the TV. I don't like to think of myself as one of those paranoid parents who are super over protective all day long, but I worked in the newspaper industry long enough to know that kids get messed up in freak accidents every day. From falling in to bathtubs to being crushed by flat screen TV's, weird shit happens to kids all of the time. I don't want my kid to be a statistic.
Oh cool, she is trying to climb on to the coffee table while holding a bottle of water, a stuffed puppy and three crayons. Idiot.
Actual things that I find myself saying to Av throughout the day, listed in order of frequency.
1. 'No pop.'
2. 'Paint only on paper.'
3.' WALK!'
4. 'No hit!'
5. 'No bite!'
6. 'No scream!'
7. 'Dude, stop trying to swan dive off of the bed.'
8. 'Are you seriously going to try and stand up on the coffee table AGAIN?'
9. 'Stop throwing your lunch on the floor. STOP THROWING YOUR LUNCH ON THE FLOOR! Fine, Lunch is over. (followed by yelling and arm flailing).'
10. 'WHY IS YOUR CHAIR ON THE TABLE AGAIN?'
And those are just the usual scoldings. You can add in 10-15 miscellaneous others on any given day. For example I just had to say 'Stop crumpling up napkins and throwing them behind the
TV!'
I feel like her mission to get hurt is part of the overall psychological battle she is waging against me. That hasn't gotten any better, either. Much of her day- at least the parts that aren't spent trying to lose a limb- is devoted to playing tricks on me. Like telling me she wants a banana, waiting until I peel it and then telling me she doesn't want it. Or handing me her paint brush and telling me to draw a doggy and then ripping it out of my hand before I ever bring it to paper. Is this what the terrible twos are? She isn't really mean, she doesn't do the whole 'mine' thing, she just messes with me all day and does her best to push my buttons until I get mad. She does have a problem with hitting that I am not a fan of, and I have to tell you, she has a hell of a right hook. I hope she doesn't become one of those scary lady boxers who show up on ESPN 2 at 2 a.m.
I still need a kid's show
So Av has recently abandoned old favorites Yo Gabba Gabba and Blues Clues in favor of the animal show 'Zaboomafoo.' If you aren't familiar with this show, consider yourself lucky. It came out circa 1999 and stars the Krat Brothers, a very cheesy pair of animal-stalking siblings named Chris and Martin. In fact, I have taken to calling the show 'Chris and Martin's Gay Animal Adventure.' The third star of the show is a leamer named Zaboo. He apparently inherits the ability to speak English as soon as one of the brothers gives him a snack. Then they all hang out at this place called 'Animal Junction' where they run around like idiots and play brotherly tricks on one another. To make things even more interesting, there is a side plot that involves Zaboo telling stories from his time in 'Zabooo Land,' a terrifying claymation universe that features bizarre fictional creatures who saunter around and occasionally wander in to my nightmares. The show is pretty educational, but it is honestly pretty irresponsible, too. I mean, these brothers just let any old animal wander in to the Junction, then they give them a snack and roll around and play with them. It is only a matter of time before one of those two cheese balls gets his head stomped in by an elephant.
As cheesy and annoying as the Krat Brothers are, I will take them any day over Av's old favorite show, 'World's Funniest Animals.' If you ever wanted to see the worst show ever on television, ON Demand that one. The host, Keegan Michael Key, is pretty much the worst human being to ever stand in front of a video camera. The videos aren't even funny, they are just animals doing normal animal things with horrible jokes dubbed in over the original audio. Like a cat playing with a string and then... wait- what's this? ANOTHER CAT! Hohoho, this is a crazy world we live in, kids. All you need to know about that show is that there is a live studio audience and they still use a laugh track. Awful. There isn't even a prize, they just send you $100 and a t-shirt if they use your video. Lame, lame, lame.
The End
As cheesy and annoying as the Krat Brothers are, I will take them any day over Av's old favorite show, 'World's Funniest Animals.' If you ever wanted to see the worst show ever on television, ON Demand that one. The host, Keegan Michael Key, is pretty much the worst human being to ever stand in front of a video camera. The videos aren't even funny, they are just animals doing normal animal things with horrible jokes dubbed in over the original audio. Like a cat playing with a string and then... wait- what's this? ANOTHER CAT! Hohoho, this is a crazy world we live in, kids. All you need to know about that show is that there is a live studio audience and they still use a laugh track. Awful. There isn't even a prize, they just send you $100 and a t-shirt if they use your video. Lame, lame, lame.
The End
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