Episode 95: The art, or lack there of, of being cheap

As a father, a semi-employed one at that, I make somewhat of a concerted effort to try and save money in certain areas. For example, I have a 5-year-old cell phone that is held together with duct tape. I rarely buy clothes and and when I need to make a semi-large purchase, like an appliance or a piece of furniture, I tend to frequent places like Walmart, Walgreens and the Family Dollar (or simply 'F-Dollar' as we call it here on Roslyn Street).

I try to save money in other areas, too. Winter is a constant battle amongst the family as I try to keep the heat turned down and the thermostat stationary at 67. Likewise, I am always entering rooms and turning off air conditioners in the summer time. I am that annoying guy that turns off all of the lights behind you when you leave a room. I think that I am being fairly smart. Most other people just call me cheap.
(As an aside, I will say that I gave in this summer and allowed three, yes THREE air conditioners in the house. One each in the two bedrooms and an un heard of third AC in the living room of all places. I fought tooth and nail, but it is 96 degrees outside and I'm pretty comfortable so I will concede this loss).

The way I see it, I spend enough money in a day buying food for my kid, paying bills that always seem to go up and making sure I have enough left over to cover any various bank fees that always seem to randomly occur.( I will never understand the logic behind charging me money because I don't have enough money in my checking account. That seems counter productive. Who has a consistent $5,000 balance these days anyway? Ohhh, people who work more than four days a week. I get it. Screw you, bank). I don't need to be donating any more of it anywhere else.
As a result of this frugality (is that a word? Spell check says it is, so we'll go with it) I have begun to notice that my quality of life has recently started to decline. For the most part I can usually deal with something when it is cheap and crappy. Sure, it's annoying when my cell phone screen fades out mid-text, or when it catches fire in my pocket. Yeah, I would much rather sneakily play late night video games on a Playstation 3 or a WII, but I can't justify spending that money when I have a perfectly dusty PS2 and a plethora of games from 2005. All of these things still work, why upgrade?

My problem I guess is not with the older things that are hanging around, it is with the newer things that I buy that break right away. Nothing pisses me off more than buying something, using it three or four times and having it break in your hand. Infuriating. Here are just a few examples of things I have purchased in the past few weeks that have already shit the bed. Consider this a public service. Buyer beware.

1. Kitchen trash can: Walmart- $14.
Below you will see a version of the trash can that I purchased for the kitchen. The one that we had was a stylish red color, something that admittedly added to my desire to purchase this particular style of trash can.
As you can see, the trash can has a locked lid that is opened by pressing that little raised lever on the front of the can. This is essential because when you have a 1-year-old, they think everything is a toy. Especially trash. This feature combined with the stylish red color convinced me that this particular product had a place in my kitchen. We are always looking for stylish additions anyway. As is usually the case in life, style did not indicate substance, and within a few weeks the spring in the back of the trash can had flung off in to the abyss and the button no longer worked, meaning that we had to manually lift the entire snap on lid off of the trash can whenever we wanted to use it. Now, the snap on lid was so ineffective that the baby was able to rip it off every time she went near the trash, but somehow after the spring broke the lid became air tight and impossible to lift off. The manual trash disposal went on for a few days until Monica finally lost it and screamed something along the lines of 'Every time I use this f-ing trash can I get so mad I could murder someone." We have a new trash can now, needless to say.

2. Walmart brand mini-grill. Walmart- charcoal $15, gas $35.

I list the prices for both charcoal and gas because I was eventually forced to buy them both, mostly because I am an idiot. The charcoal grill came first because, well, it was cheaper. I convinced myself that the smokey taste of charcoal was better and proceeded to have the most tedious, frustrating grilling experience ever. Charcoal grills suck. They don't stay lit, they take forever to heat up, they are smokey and they cook everything unevenly. Picture me, 50 feet from a public playground, sweating like a fat guy at the beach swearing under my breath at a hot dog that is scorched on both ends and still frozen in the middle. Meanwhile blinding smoke is bellowing out in to my face, getting blown over to the playground and everywhere else. There was half-cooked burger falling through the cracks and at one point I think I actually had more match sticks than charcoal in the bottom of the grill. Charcoal grills suck. Did I mention that? It was so bad that I left it next to the trash can at the park.

Below is a picture of the gas version of the grill. These are literally Walmart brand grills, so I should have known what to expect, but they were the perfect size and price that I was looking for. When it came to cooking the food, the gas grill was much better. The igniter switch worked and it stayed lit, with a minimal amount of smoke. The problem with this grill was shoddy design. The grill racks are too far apart so cooking hamburgers or chicken breast is virtually impossible, they just fall through the cracks. As soon as I went to lift it up one of the handles broke, and the top warming rack is so flimsy that it kept falling on top of the grill rack until I smartened up and used some pliers to bend the ends. I'm still holding on to this one, but it is literally falling apart around itself.

In addition to the grill (s) falling apart, one of the most vital grill tools has been giving me trouble, too. To match my stylish red grill and stylish red trash can, I bought some stylish red tongs to use during grilling. These were also a Walmart product priced at $4.99. Maybe I just have super human strength but I'm pretty sure I don't, so imagine my surprise when while in the act of flipping chicken the entire back end of the tongs came apart, spraying plastic pieces and screws all over my deck. Again, I should have known better than to buy tongs with a plastic handle, but they seemed sturdy and they were a stylish red, C'mon. Imagine my joy when I had to finish grilling on the Fourth of July with two forks instead of tongs.

3.Polar Pack. F-Dollar- $12.

This one is so generic I couldn't even find a picture of it. Due to the size of our apartment, we have the smallest full sized fridge that you can buy. Because of this buying and storing more than a six-pack is virtually impossible. Enter the Family Dollar polar pack. A back-pack cooler with several compartments that claims to hold 48 cans of 'drink.' Perfect. A cheap cooler allows for the purchase of plenty of ice and it is insulated, so the ice should stay cold, right? HA! I should have noticed the first flaw, the un-insulated window in the top of the cooler, inside the store but I didn't. Within four hours almost all of the ice was melted. When I lifted it up to empty it and add more ice it ripped along the seems and leaked everywhere. Despite the rips I held on to it until the weekend was over, but by the time it was over the thing didn't even have zippers left on it. Clearly the most disappointing purchase yet.

So, there are a few of the crappy things that have made my life miserable lately. When I was a kid I always hated generic stuff. When I got older I understood why my parents bought them, but I am slowly starting to hate them again. I am about at the end of my rope with things breaking. I am going to have to find another area to start saving money in, I think. No more Internet porn, I guess. (That is a joke, Mom. Relax. Besides, everyone knows that porn is free on the Internet).