Overall, fashion seems to be taking this retro-modern turn lately. Like everyone wants to dress like they did in the 20's or the 50's, only they don't, really, so they just take these throwback elements and add this new, hipster, trendy twist. Then all the chicks get their hair cut with bangs, all the dudes where jeans that are too small and everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has to have a tattoo. (Note, I don't have a problem with tattoos. I have a few myself. What I have a problem with is people getting them just to get them- or to complete their duchebag hipster style. It is like when kids had those snap bracelets in middle school. Only permanent.) Whatever. The point is that for pretty much my entire life I have been a jeans, t-shirt and sneaker sort of guy. I wore shirts and ties when I had a desk job and in the winter I wear sweaters. Sometimes the t-shirts say things, like a sports team or a band I like, but I try to shy away from making too many statements. Statements start conversations, and I pretty much hate people.
Much of my apathetic fashion sense can be attributed to my strange body type and relative self-conscious nature. I have experienced two growth spurts in my life. When I was about 15 I sprung up to 6'1, but still weighed about 130 pounds until I was 22. That is when the second growth spurt came and I "filled out" to about 200 pounds. That was in 2006, which, coincidentally, is the last time I updated my wardrobe. I certainly don't feel that my body type warrants wearing anything that will show it off. I don't wear muscle shirts, because I have no muscles, for example, and I don't wear skinny jeans because , well, I'm pretty much the opposite of skinny. Get it? Good.
All in all I don't particularly care what i look like. Let's face it, it isn't like I am going out to clubs every night to pick up chicks. But one thing that I do care about is the appearance of my footwear. Obviously, since I am a t-shirt and jeans guy, I spend most of my day in sneakers. I always have. I have a pair of wing tips for my desk job and some black dress shoes for weddings and stuff and that is it. The type of sneaker that I wear is very important to me. I hate running shoes because they are mostly mesh and usually some shocking "fast" color. I can't wear canvas shoes like Chuck Taylors because, well, that is one of those styles you establish at 13, not 26. After that there isn't much left. You have your casual sneaker, your skateboard sneaker or your stupid trendy hipster metrosexual fake soccer shoe that every European kid and Jersey Shore meat head wears.
Due to the fact that I have not updated the wardrobe since 2006, and the fact that on occasion I tend to experience mild-moderate foot odor, Monica recently made it known to me that it was time to ditch my 4-year-old Pumas (with holes in the toes) and get a new pair of shoes. I loved those Pumas. They were the greatest sneakers ever. RIP.
Beginning around Christmas time I began my quest for a new pair. My demands were simple, if I couldn't find the exact same sneaker that I had- a Puma Rs-100 in gray- I wanted to find something relatively close. Easy enough, right?
Hours were spent on the Internet and in shoe stores looking for what I wanted. Of course, I could not find the shoes I had before in a reasonable color (seriously, why do sneakers have to be purple? Or orange? Or red? What the hell is wrong with people?) and I couldn't find anything close. Everything is a skateboard shoe. I hate skateboard shoes. It is like wearing the shoebox on your foot. They are perfect rectangles. Finally, I took my quest to Marshalls and found what I thought at the time were a nice, grown up pair of sneakers. They are made by the company Rocketdog (which may have helped the sale, that's a cool name) and they look like this:
Nice, right? I thought so, too. Not something I would normally wear, but they looked durable, were fairly comfortable and seemed grown up. A nice alternative to the previous pair I had thought about buying, which would have been nice if the shoelaces were the same color as the shoes. But they weren't. They were orange. What the hell? So, I bought the Rocketdogs and took them home, proud of my decision to grow up.
Now about two months later I could not regret this decision more. The shoes are comfortable and durable, two great features, but when I wear them the only real thought I have is "wow, I must look like a massive, massive tool." Other words that come to mind when I look at myself are "dink," "loser," "dill weed," "dork," "dufus," or any reasonable variation or combination of those- like "dinkus" or "dorkus." Wearing brown shoes with jeans makes me feel like an anti-social accountant or computer programmer with a Star Wars poster in my cubicle. It suggests that I collect stamps, or that I might be one of those adults that still carries a back pack around for no reason. No offense to anyone who does these things, everyone has their own nerdy tendencies (I admittedly watch NASCAR), but even though I don't have a style, if I did, it still wouldn't be that.
The worst part of it is that I still wear these dad sneakers pretty much every day. Along with my faded, too small shirts and my Old Navy era 2005 jeans. I guess it just comes down to the fact that I am just not all that hip. Maybe I should start listening to hipper music. Or learn a hip hobby, like photography. Or, maybe I could just get some bigger t-shirts that say hip things. It looks like my style is going to have to be a work in progress. Damn, it is a good thing I don't have to ever go on dates.
School vacation week is over, which means I am back to being a full time dad and the days are a little bit more boring, but the baby is increasingly more mobile and talkative, so it keeps me busy. She also doesn't care what I look like, which is nice, although, I bet she will probably hate my nerdy dad sneakers soon, too.
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