Episode 6: When is your last day again?

In what may be the single most inaccurate statement ever used to describe me, my baby gramma (or baby mamma's mamma, if you prefer) said the following on Saturday night.

“That surprises me, because you're so mild mannered.”
Needless to say, she has not had a lot of quality time to get to know me.

She actually said that in response to a story I told her about how I lost my shit on a customer at the bar who had been consistently pressing my buttons for 3-4 straight hours on Saturday afternoon.

Without getting in to the boring details, it essentially ended with him telling me I wasn't worth $10 and me throwing a pile of one dollar bills at him and nearly launching the cash register in to his skinny little dweeb head.

I think my short fuse is probably going to have to get a little bit longer if I am going to be taking care of an infant all day. Then again, most of the people in life who piss me off do so because they are morons, and they have the ability to convey their stupidity through words. My daughter is neither a moron, nor is she able to speak yet. I should be fine.

On that topic, I am now just two and a half short days away from what promises to be the most challenging months of my life, and the Item is doing little to make me regret my decision.

On top of the usual every day annoyances (grumpy co-workers, almost getting involved in a traffic accident at every turn because of all of the unlicensed immigrants whipping around the streets of Lynn etc... ) I am finding that my departure has become the talk of the office, which means I have to address it on a frequent basis.

Nothing irritates me more than people who talk to you because they think they have to, and for some reason that increases when something is going on in my life. It is like they feel like they should speak to me, but have nothing good to say. It is ok, I won't be offended. Move along.

“When is your last day, again?” Wednesday. You know it is fucking Wednesday. You asked me that on Friday. The answer is the same.
“Looking forward to your last day, Dan?”

In fact, the level in which I am anticipating my departure increases every time I am asked that question.

One employee (who is particularly upset that I am leaving, primarily due to her own laziness and unwillingness to take on extra work) today told me she had a dream last night that I was handcuffed to my desk because my boss didn't want me to leave.

I told her that she just described my worst nightmare. She told me that me leaving the paper was her's. Pathetic.

On the other hand, I saw two positive things at the Item today that, if I were not quitting, I would have used to get me through the week.

First, the new intern came in today, and in the place of the usual socially awkward, incompetent, nervous college nerd we usually hire, we have an attractive, slightly older, more confident female intern.

At this point, for legal reasons, I have to add this disclaimer: I am not going to try to sleep with the intern. Like most men, I am just shallow and have a greater willingness to spend time around attractive women than, say, unattractive women. Its good for office morale.

Second, I went to buy a Sprite this morning and saw this note, exactly as it is written below (quotation marks included), on the Coke machine.

“Attention Every body.
Their no regular cocacola in this Machine."
Maintenance Department.


Written, of course, in serial killer handwriting. This means one of two things. Either Johnny ran out of regular Coke (unlikely, given that literally 6 people use that machine and 4 of them only drink Diet Coke) or the machine isn't working quite right, he yelled at it for the better part of his morning, and just gave up (much more likely).

More impressive, despite all of the problems with that sign, Johnny knows how to spell "maintenance."

So, I suppose the lesson to be learned here is to look at the uplifting things in life, like cute interns and burnout janitors with bad grammar, instead of the morons who you have to talk to on a daily basis.

Man, my kid is going to learn a lot this year...