Ever since “The Office” took off in popularity just about anyone who has a job in a somewhat corporate environment thinks that there should be a camera crew and a confession room in their business, because “everyone here is crazy,” or “no one would believe this shit.”
The Item is no different, and I would challenge anyone to come up with a more fucked up place than this.
Without ever making it in to the building you can see zombies and crack heads and freaks wandering through Central Square. Once a week someone who has been arrested will start screaming at our building, yes, just at the building, for putting them in the paper's arrest log. Other times, you get to see people having sex on the elevated train platform.
Once in the office there are a wide variety of crazy characters, from the guy in Ad's named Fred who makes his own neck ties to a man named Ralph who has worked in our graphics department for about 130 years and whose house I would liken to one of those featured on A & E's “Hoarders.”
But without a doubt the single craziest, most unstable person I have ever met in my life is our maintenance man, Johnny Bessom.
Just a few weeks removed from his 58th birthday, theories on Johnny range from “he is just a little slow” to “he did waaaay too much acid in the 70's.” My theory? A little bit of both.
A loud talker with slurred speech and a stutter, understanding Johnny is a difficult task made even more difficult by the fact that most of the shit that spews from his mouth makes zero sense. For example, this is an actual conversation I had with Johnny this morning.
Me: Whats up Johnny.
J: Whats up? I'll tell you whats up, the temperature. Chew on that!
Me: Alright, yeah, its a nice one out there.
J: Yeah, well pretty ssss—oossss--ooon itttttllllll be snow.
Me: Aw, why are you so pessimistic, Johnny?
J: Not bad, D-D-D-D-an, Its only Thursday though.
WHAT????
Perhaps my favorite Johnny Bessom moments are the ones where I actually get to witness him do his job, because it is incredible. Keep in mind that Johnny is actually so incompetent that they hired a real maintenance man named George to do most of the real work, but for some reason they keep Johnny around to empty the trash and clean the bathrooms. Probably because George won't do it.
From the paper towel dispenser to the recycle bin, you can routinely hear Johnny fighting with inanimate objects throughout the day, but perhaps his fiercest rival is the Coke machine. He has been battling with this evil dispenser for at least a decade, and he gets his ass handed to him every time.
Johnny's only responsibility with the machine is to re-fill it with back-stock if we run out of something before the Coke guy comes back. Apparently, this is a difficult assignment.
Again, an actual conversation with Johnny.
J: Ahhhh fuck you you big dummy.
Me: Whats up Johnny, fighting with the Coke machine again?
J: Ahhhh! yeah, you just keep goin, pal, you'll be all right
Me: But I wanted to get a Sprite, is it broken?
J: Yeah its br-br-br-oke! You t-th-th-ink I llllike yelling at this for nothing?
Me: Well, I hope it listens, I'm thirsty.
J: You'll be alright, just get out of here!
Another entertaining time is when Johnny changes light bulbs. Afraid of heights, it used to be difficult to get him on a ladder at all, but lately he has gotten brave. Probably since the newsroom was entirely dark for like 3 months.
Now that he will climb up on the 3 foot step ladder, we have the pleasure of seeing and hearing him yell at the fluorescent lights. Johnny's success rate with the lights is less than average, I would say about six of the 22 bulbs he has changed actually work, but I am pretty sure that is because he isn't sure which bulbs he has changed already and keeps replacing old bulbs with ones that he just took out of another non-working fixture.
Because the lights don't actually work, about once every two weeks Johnny will come back out in to the newsroom and try again. It is a vicious cycle. He can't figure out whey the lights keep burning out, never realizing that they weren't actually on in the first place. It would be frustrating if it weren't so entertaining.
For all of Johnny's flaws, he is beloved here at the Item. At least that's what I found out a few weeks ago when the entire company decided to celebrate his birthday. As is the case in most offices, birthdays warrant, at best, cupcakes and maybe a pizza party. Not Johnny.
On the day of Johnny's birthday I was asked to sign the obligatory office Happy Birthday card, filled with a lot of “Happy Birthday John!” and “Have fun, old man.” I wrote, “Stay crazy, Johnny.”
This comes from another conversation Mr. Bessom and I had a few months ago before his vacation.
Me: What are you doing with your week off?
J: Ahhhh I aint goin no where. 'Cept maybe crazy!!!!
Me: Yeah, I heard you bought a condo in Crazy Town
J: Yah, you come visit.
Me: Couldn't pay me.
Anyway, after I signed the card, Make My Own Ties Fred came in and told us there was a small surprise for Johnny waiting downstairs. We filled in the first floor conference room to witness in horror and surprise as Johnny was presented with a brand new Fender guitar, valued at $500. (Which we were later all asked to pitch in for).
Once the dust settled, the confusion as to why Johnny got a GUITAR from the company set in. This is the confusion you could see on my face in the picture of him pretending to play the guitar that ended up in the newspaper the next day. That was my mistake standing next to him at the party.
So, I haven't seen every episode, but I am pretty sure Michael Scott never bought a $500 guitar for his half-retarded custodian, but then again, he probably never had anyone like Johnny on his hands.
More JB stories to follow...
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