Episode 5- Slush Puppies and all you can carry iced tea

So today is my last Friday at the Item, not really a milestone moment for me, but at the same time it has been cause for some reflection on my part. To be honest, most of the reflection has been along the 'what the hell are you doing with your life' lines rather than the ' man, I'm going to miss this place,' lines, but it is reflection none the less.

For example, during my usual summer afternoon drive down Lynn Shore Drive today I noticed a man about my age excitedly running to meet a friend on the beach. His 6-pack and seemingly leisurely lifestyle (I base this only on the fact that he was at the beach at 2 p.m. on a Friday) made me question the choices I have made and briefly inspired me to start going back to to the gym. Briefly.

On a happier, less insecure note, I think one of the things that I will miss about this job, or at least the time I spend cruising around the city and not working, is the wide variety of convenience stores that I frequent, and the always entertaining antics that take place among the neighborhood clientele.

Between my addiction to Slush Puppies, love of drinks and propensity for snacks I find myself in some sort of shady neighborhood convenience store at least two or three times a day. I have a few favorites, for different reasons. For example, I go to Nina's Market when I want a Red Bull or something out of a can, because they don't charge a bottle deposit. I go tho the White Hen when I want food, because it is the cleanest and most friendly.

The place I probably frequent the most, however, is Tedechi's on Lewis Street for one reason, and one reason only. Their Slush Puppy machine is in the best condition, and that is important.

Tedechi's is centrally located on the fringe of the ghetto and Lynn's Diamond District, creating an entertaining variety of customers that range from the thuggish to the high class. As you can imagine, this makes for some wonderful confrontations.

Aside from the time I saw a 6'8 black man purchase a pack of Newports, a blunt wrap and a box of Magnums and then tell the short, fat, female Indian cashier that “that was how I roll, baby” I think the single greatest convenience store confrontation I have ever seen happened about two weeks ago, right in the heart of an August heat wave.

I arrived at Tedeschi in the afternoon just like I always do, walked in the door and took a left toward the Slush Puppy machine. Before I could grab my cup I heard the mean, grouchy Indian man who owns the store yelling at someone.

Now, whenever this happens in a place like this I get nervous because, lets face it, I'm not doing shit to defend myself or anyone else in the event of a robbery. Unless the robber's one weakness is seeing someone curl up in the fetal position.

Luckily, the store was not being held up, the Indian man was simply arguing with a customer over the price of the Lipton BRISK Iced Tea that was on sale. Perfectly normal, except the customer happened to be an adult Down Syndrome patient.

At the risk of being offensive and stereotypical, I think we have all seen a person with Down Syndrome lose their shit at one point in our lives. They yell. They get angry. They hit things. This was taking place inside the store. Now, I don't know if the Indian man understood that the gentleman had a mental retardation issue, but if he did he didn't care.

From what I could deduct from the conversation, the retarded man was under the impression that the BRISK Iced Tea was “All you can carry for 79 cents” or something like that. Because he had an armful and he only had a dollar.

Instead of maybe calmly explaining this to him, Tedeschi man is instead screaming at him and trying to kick him out of the store. The now angry customer is yelling back, like a retarded person does- loud, nonsensical, very angry and, surprisingly, very vulgar.

“Your a fucking crook!' he kept yelling, eventually slamming all the bottles of iced tea on to the floor in a kind of crazy mental explosion. This act was made more humorous by the fact that the bottles were plastic, causing them to bounce up in to one another and bounce back at the retarded man, who was then flailing his arms in a futile effort to get out of the way.

The insinuation that the Indian man was a crook also seemed particularly offensive to him, as he continued to yell louder that the accusation was inacurate.

"I am no crook! You are the crook! you try to steal!"

At a certain point, as insensitive as it was, not laughing at this incident was no longer an option, and as I paid my 95 cents for my cherry slush, I did so with a giant smile on my face.

There is no grand ending to the story. Nothing crazy happened after. In fact, I think the retarded guy eventually just left without and iced tea.

The point is that I learned two things from this story. I am going to miss something when I leave Lynn, and no matter how hard I try, I can't not laugh at angry retarded people.