Good grief, it's time for Zoo Lights

Zoo Lights is a concept that has been incarnated in many a zoo across the nation. The idea is very simple: Bring people, and therefore more money, in to your zoo during the off season by covering the place in Christmas lights and a holiday decorations. Add a Christmas village or holiday wonderland of sorts and charge some money to sit on Santa's lap all the while giving folks a chance to see some of the more nocturnal animals in action. It is a solid business plan, indeed.

I have mentioned here many times how much I personally enjoy zoos and how I have passed that enjoyment on to Av by traveling to every zoo within driving distance over the past three years. The best, by far, has been Lupa Zoo in Ludlow, Ma. Privately-owned, it has a crazy variety of animals that are let to roam much more freely than a regular zoo. How can they do this? They actually give the animals room to live in very large habitats so they aren't totally suicidal and ready to tear apart a 6-year-old for their own freedom. I also fed a giraffe and saw a monkey masturbate. True story.

The closest zoo to us geographically is Stone Zoo which, conveniently, offers a zoo lights event every year after Thanksgiving. Last night we made the short pilgrimage to cap off the ever popular 'family day,' or as Av calls it 'fam-iwy-daaay.' This takes place just about any Sunday in which the Patriots do not play and usually involves lunch, errand running and one kid-friendly activity.

Let's go ahead and set the scene. Zoo Lights, in a nutshell, is about 800-1,000 families cramming in to an already small zoo that is half to three quarters closed off because most of the animals have been locked away in whatever depressing area they store animals when it is too cold for them to be outside due to the fact that they are no longer living in their natural habitat. Animals available for viewing are a bald eagle, arctic fox, porcupine, barn owl, river otter and a reindeer. We'll get to the reindeer. 

We decided that it would be a smart idea to arrive right when they opened at 5 p.m. and as it turned out we managed to make it close, pulling in the gate by 5:22 p.m. In our family that is right on schedule. Evidently our plan was a popular one. We were directed to an overflow parking lot across the street that had both no lighting and a series of giant, car-swallowing mud puddles littering its landscape.

It was at this point that a man in a mini van tried to pass me on the left hand side (in a parking lot) to get to a parking spot, of which there were several available, and I declared that I was going to "beat the shit out of someone" at Zoo Lights. It isn't family day if I don't threaten to beat the shit out of at least one person. Monica, to her credit, just laughed. It was also at this point that I began to ask myself why I had not packed a flask and asked Monica to drive, to which she said " I don't know why you didn't. You usually just get covertly drunk on Sundays anyway." Dammit. Not only did I blow my chance to enjoy Zoo Lights, I realized I am not as sneaky as I thought I was.

So, sober and already teetering on holiday melt down we headed toward the zoo. Not before crossing a two-lane state highway with only the aid of a zoo employee risking his own life to slow cars down by waving a flash light. Apparently the police were busy. (Insert donut joke here).

One positive to the evening was that, as zoo members, we were able to avoid the line that literally stretched to the end of the parking lot and cut right to the entrance gate. That zoo membership paid for itself right then. Once inside the Zoo Lights extravaganza we immediately sought out the event's main attraction: an "encounter" with a real life reindeer. At first, "encounter" seemed like a strange term to use. Once I had the "encounter" it made perfect sense.

The line for the reindeer encounter was essentially a giant cluster fuck of people losing their children. People randomly and periodically searching for one or more of their kids in a concentrated area, yelling their names, arguing with their significant others about whose responsibility it was to keep an eye on them etc..  The average conversation went something like this:

"Do you have Brian? Oh my God where is Brian!?"

"I don't know, I thought you had him by the otter."

"Well, where is he, Steven?! He was just right here!"

"I DON'T KNOW! I"M STANDING IN LINE!"

"Well he was just right next to you! I have Cassie, WHERE IS BRIAN?!"

"Lois, I"M STANDING IN LINE, YOU GO FIND HIM!"

And so on.

 Usually the kids were no further away than a nearby bush, but it is dark out, so parents tend to panic a bit more. The couple in front of us, who appeared to have entered in to the loveless, no longer attracted to one another era of marriage, lost their son Eric for about 3-7 minutes. He was literally standing about 4 feet away from them the entire time. In the mother's defense, the kid could have spoken up one of the 65 times she belted out his name, and I probably could have helped, too since he was standing right next to me, but it was more fun not to.

Another highlight of the line was a man, a zoo employee who I am kicking myself for not taking a picture of, who was walking around in a red sweater wielding some sort of staff or walking stick adorned with a red bow. At first he used this stick to back people up as wide strollers came past the line of people, and later he would stand at the front of the line and regulate who got to see the reindeer, all the while spouting random facts about the animal like "She is 8-months-old. If that were you you would still be a baby, but she is a reindeer, so she is a teenager." This man, while soft spoken and mustache-clad, was also stern.

We were in line for probably 15-20 minutes before we actually caught a glimpse of the reindeer which was standing between two handlers. These two handlers were included in every family photo taken. One man smiled, the woman did not. She was taking her job a bit too seriously. Around this time the reindeer began to give up. It was about the saddest thing I've seen. The thing kept looking at the handler like "are you kidding me?" and eventually just walked away, had some water and decided to lay down. This is where the 'encounter' part of the deal became clear. "Look, you guys, we have a reindeer but there is no guarantee it is going to care enough to stand up or go near the picture taking area so we are promising nothing more than an encounter."

Here is what the goth teenager reindeer looked like before totally giving up on life. Can't say I blame it.

 We were going to bail at this point but Av insisted that she wanted to have her picture taken with the animal so we hung around in line. A few minutes later some kids, a bit older, uncovered a loophole. If you cut through the bushes next to the line you could sneak in and see the reindeer without waiting. I was going to let this slide until one of them pulled out a phone and started taking pictures. Oh, no, no, no, no, my friend. Not today, little boy, not today. That is when I decided to intervene.

"Hey, I'm not sure if you brought any parents with you today but there is a line to see the reindeer and it doesn't start here."

Monica's response? "Congratulations, you just intimidated three 8-year-olds."

Where was the man with the staff for that one?

Shortly after this we finally were given our chance to encounter the reindeer, and here are the faces Avelyn decided to make during her precious, coveted picture time: You can see the man's staff just to the bottom left.

Notice how far away the barely visible reindeer we encountered is laying. There were several more pictures taken, many after Monica pleaded for a smile, all with very similar results. Av thinks she is hilarious.

Immediately after the final picture was taken and we contributed $3 toward the suggested donation of $5 for the reindeer photo, I scooped Av up and proceeded to walk face first in to the only goddamn branch in the entire zoo without a string of lights on it.

So, with an eye full of pine needles we ventured over to Santa's Village at which point I had to explain to Av why I would not be spending anywhere between $14-$30 to wait in another long line to have her picture taken with the third fake Santa we had seen that day. Instead we toured the "Village" which was an indescribably creepy collection of dirty, kind of broken Christmas-like renditions of fairy tales and Christmas stories. Once again, I am kicking myself for not taking pictures, especially of the filthy 12-foot teddy bear that looks like something out of an abandoned, haunted amusement park.

Finally, before the merciful ending of the evening, we stopped to let Av take a train ride. The ride was uneventful except for this fake elephant that appeared to be urinating on a bush.

In short, Zoo Lights is probably fun if you go on a Tuesday night. My advice? Spend the $50-$75 on a membership. Skip the lines and you can go to the Stone and Franklin Park Zoo for free whenever you want. Your kid will probably have a good time, but not a great time. Av was apathetic. She wanted to pet the reindeer so I think when it became apparent that it wasn't allowed she stopped caring.  Also, river otters kick ass.

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Just a disclaimer, as there has been some confusion. The musical selection at the bottom of each post is not necessarily related to the theme. Unless it is. Usually, it is just a song I like that I think people should listen to.