Episode 154: Its 2 a.m. and at least 4 people within 100 yards of me are puking. What else am I supposed to do?

I am writing this from my couch at a very early- or late, depending on your lifestyle- hour. I am the only person in this house that has not vomited in the last two hours. I came home from work to find Monica cleaning vomit up off of the floor in the baby's room and later off of a variety of stuffed friends. She then went in the bathroom to vomit herself. My house smells like someone drank an entire gallon of sour milk, ate a dozen deviled eggs and then threw it up all over the walls. Sorry if that is disgusting. Just be thankful you aren't here.

I have relegated myself to the couch in a desperate, and likely futile, attempt to thwart off the evil bacteria that is no doubt right now mobilizing an airborne effort to assassinate my immune system. I have little hope for myself.

In addition, and I am not even kidding about this, there are two teenagers- coming home from prom- vomiting in the street outside my living room window as they stumble home. Who goes to prom on a Tuesday?

I literally live here right now:



The origin of the vomit is likely as follows. Avelyn, with her young, easily manipulated stomach and less-than experienced immune system, has acquired some sort of bug. This, combined with the recent hot weather and her high dairy intake, has caused her to become very nauseous and have large, peanut butter-like dumps. The nighttime milk has no doubt started a fight with the stomach bug's goon counterparts and the mac and cheese from earlier has hopped in to make it a brawl. The stomach's bouncers have tossed everyone from the party- with force. Monica, likely suffering from the same nasty stomach bug, and with a much lower dairy intake, is now suffering a similar consequence, minus, to the best of my knowledge, the peanut butter dumps. The teenagers have just ruined their first regrettable sexual experience by sneaking way too many 20-ounce rum and Pepsi's in to the after prom party. What does all of this mean for your faithful hero? At least the next 48 hours will be spent with two very sick, impatient women and my sidewalk will be covered in drunk teenager prom vomit tomorrow morning. It also all but guarantees that taco night is cancelled tomorrow night. Tragic consequences, all.

So, here I sit. Tired, but afraid to sleep. Hungry, but afraid to eat. Wondering if the stomach bug may be a welcomed relief to the nausea and headache that follow spraying your entire house with Lysol disinfectant spray. On top of the world once again.

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The last movie that I watched, not counting stupid yet hilarious comedies, like 'Dirty Work,' that I watch when no one is home, was Black Swan. Following that experience I lived the next three days in a mentally terrifying state, often times expecting myself to be existing in an alternate reality in which I am haunted by ballerinas that may or may not exist. In short, I didn't handle it well upstairs. Today I watched Horton Hears a Who, twice, and while there was no shuttering and cold sweats, I can honestly say that the concept of that movie was so disturbingly deep that I think I have changed my entire outlook on existence.

I will explain this as simply as I can. In the movie Horton Hears a Who, based on the Dr. Seuss book of the same name, an elephant accidentally discovers a town of people living within a spec of dust. This is because of his giant elephant ears. He is determined to help them find a permanent place in the universe, but is thought to be crazy by the other jungle creatures who eventually try to wrangle him and subject him to a variety of PG-rated, CGI-animated forms of torture. As a result he speaks to the mayor of this spec town from above through a twisty funnel and warns him of his crazy jungle friends who want to destroy his people. The townspeople, who are experiencing drastic climate change and natural disaster, don't believe and vocally doubt the proud, yet tragically innocent (see: dumb) mayor. The townspeople are proven wrong and eventually saved from a fiery apocalyptic death by a baby kangaroo whose evil mother had led a rebellion against the God-figure elephant. I know, right? Somehow I don't remember ANY of that from the book. It is like my brain just got gang raped by the Bible, the National Enquirer and Highlight's all at the same time. And somehow it is OK because there was a lot of rhyming and Steve Carrell. I'm done with movies.

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