The snowbanks are higher than the baby's head and the snow is seeping through the hallway ceiling. Christmas break is off to a pretty rough start and we are once again trapped inside and left to our vices. For me it is trying not to drink all of the PBR I bought yesterday until the sun goes down. For the baby it is being weened off of glazed munchkins and the kitty store. And I am pretty sure all of us are going to overdose on Blues Clues before the end of the storm.
Christmas was a great time for everyone, especially Av, who was apparently the best behaved child in the world because I now have everything from a mini piano to a rocking unicorn with real life noises taking up space in our tiny apartment. The most rewarding thing, though, is that she won't stop playing with the retro wooden play kitchen that Monica and I bought her. This is only rewarding because it took me four and a half hours to put together. I had to put the hinges on the door. Let me repeat that: I had to put the hinges on the door... of a child's play kitchen. It was literally like building an actual kitchen. So, seeing her tossing around plastic vegetables and pretending that her pot of soup is hot makes that lonely Saturday spent sifting through a pile of screws and efficiently labeled parts a few weeks ago well worth it. And it is much less annoying than the unicorn or the piano.
After Christmas, though, things have started to go downhill. Prior to the storm that hit yesterday Monica and I were treated to a sleepless Christmas night thanks to a very, very motivated and dexterous couple who managed to have sex- and very loud sex at that- in a green Honda Civic for two and a half hours outside of our bedroom window. The unfortunate part is that those two and a half hours were from about 3 -5:30 a.m.
Being woken up by the erotic, lustful screams of what turned out to be a rather large woman, along with the struggled cries of an at least 10-year-old, reclined passenger side seat, is as you can imagine very confusing. The sexcapade woke me up first, and I discovered the scene when I looked out the living room window and saw a big, hairy man ass pressed against the windshield. It was not long after that Monica emerged from the bedroom groggy and pissed off. I would later find out it was because she thought I had for some reason woken up at 3 a.m., gone to the living room and started loudly watching porn. Luckily for me, they kept banging, rather aggressively, for quite some time, proving my innocence. The incident, while both annoying and uncomfortable, raises many questions. First, for one to have sex for multiple hours you have to assume that there was either a lot of blow or a lot of Viagra involved, maybe both. Probably both. Second, I get that maybe you had no place to go, and I get that it was 3 a.m. when you started, but these two were as naked as naked gets. Not even any socks. Just parked in plain sight on a side street in front of about six densely settled apartments where any number of people could see through the windshield and the passenger side window from the second floor. Oh, and did I mention that it was like, 22 degrees? Hardly worth it. Then again, when you're all hopped up on Viagra and blow, you gotta blow off some steam somehow, right? The best part was when I left in the morning to find a frozen pair of boxer shorts stuck to the street where the car was parked. Gross.
The incident was so loud and disturbing that I didn't get back to sleep at all that night. I woke up with the baby, went to Walmart and the grocery store before 9 a.m. and settled in for a relaxing storm day. I went through my entire day watching the snow and looking forward to sleep. Had some tacos, a couple of beers, a little Playstation Jeopardy and tucked in. I was excited. You know how some days going to bed is the best thing in the world? You can't wait. You are like a kid on Christmas Eve. Surely the two feet of snow that was in the process of beating the shit out of our neighborhood would prevent any crazy car sex parties from ruining my sleep again.
Everything was going well until around 2 a.m. when the fire alarms started to go off. Like, all of them. I sprang in to action, throwing on a mismatched set of clothing and running to the basement. I couldn't get the alarms to stop. I ran to the front hallway, I couldn't get them to stop there, either. At no point did I think the house was on fire. Long story short, some water leaked in to the ceiling and shorted out the alarms. No way to turn them off.
Anti-social upstairs neighbor was freaking out, pacing through the basement trying to find this mystery master switch. The downstairs deadbeats barricaded themselves in the apartment, probably smoked some opium and drowned out the beeps with Radiohead. I called the fire department. From what I can remember, this was my first experience with the fire department. Before my only knowledge was that most of them were sex perverts who lure women in to their firehouses with their red trucks and bravery and then take advantage of them. Coming out to Roslyn Street at 3 a.m. in the middle of a blizzard was not on their list of things to do, and they made that apparent. Irritated from the start, the three of them sauntered around and essentially solved nothing. One younger gentleman disconnected one of the alarms and the older man said we needed to call an electrician. Good night. Thanks Mr. Fireman, sorry to pull you from your warm firehouse stocked with women. Neighbor and I disconnected everything and he said he would call an electrician. Another sleepless night. The best thing that came of this, though, is that Nugget was so nervous about the noise and the people in the house that she peed on Monica's hand. Awesome and hilarious.
I'm not really complaining, it isn't like I have anything else to do. I should be happy that the snow came early and I won't have to miss a day of work. Hopefully tonight we can make it through without any sex perverts of any kind. Whether it is party animals in a Civic or a trio of firefighters. God Bless America. Christmas pictures and video to follow later this week.
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