Episode 128: Is this man your worst nightmare?

He probably should be. This is Mr. Noodle. He has to be the most unsettling character on children's television today. I don't even know where he came from, he just showed up one day outside of Elmo's window on Sesame Street and never left. Now he is a reoccurring character and I can't for the life of me understand why. I mean, the guy is just creepy. Look at him. Creep. He doesn't even talk, he is like a mime without face paint. And he can never figure anything out. He's always putting hats on his feet and shoes on his head and trying to throw baseballs with his mouth. Idiot. Anyway, this post isn't really about Mr. Noodle, he is just a jumping off point.

Today I finally convinced the baby to watch Sesame Street. After months of Barney and Zaboo and Blues Clues, all shows that came on after my childhood prime, I got her to give in and give it a try. Up until this point she has completely shunned it, but today it happened and it was a success. She finally realized that the characters on that show are entertaining and strange, and she learned what most kids learn early on. Sesame Street is just nothing but educational fun all of the time. This is another step in my efforts to relive all of the things that I liked from my own childhood, something I have been subconsciously doing for a long time, but just realized. I am not sure why this is. Perhaps it is because I just want her to enjoy all of the things that I enjoyed, or maybe I am just trying desperately to relive the simple, carefree days of my youth. Whatever the case, I am definitely turning this kid in to a mini me, and in the process, making her kind of a weirdo.

I was recently visiting my dad and I found myself in his attic looking at a bunch of old crap from when I was a kid. Most of it was stuff I didn't have any attachment to, like old books and trinkets, and the worst record collection I have ever seen ( I went through the whole thing and came out only with Don McLean, Chicago's Greatest Hits and Huey Lewis and the News), but I did find a few things that took me right back. The biggest one was this old cookie jar that we used to have. It was a wrinkly-faced old monk who is holding a scroll that says 'Thou shalt not steal (cookies)." Awesome. He was a fixture on my counter tops for my entire childhood until my parents got divorced and both moved about seven years ago. I loved that guy. Well, I found Mr. Monk and much to my delight he was in perfect condition. Needless to say he is now living in between our coffee maker and dish rack in the kitchen. This, by the way, does not make Monica happy. I don't care, that guy is awesome and he is now always stocked with fudge striped cookies. It wasn't until I found the monk that I realized how much being home with Av has made me kind of inadvertently cling to my own childhood.

As a kid I had two things that I did almost exclusively when I was home. First, I played with matchbox cars. A lot. Second, I had a ton of stuffed animals. These were my interests as a young child. I created little worlds with all of them and I obsessively kept track of everything, making sure that I knew where everyone was at all times. With the Matchbox cars I would collect them in a giant bin and take them out each morning to transport the imaginary people in my imaginary world. Accuracy was key, the more it looked like an existing street-legal vehicle the better. Probably about 8-9 months ago I realized that Av had taken and was enjoying playing with some toy cars at Monica's parent's house. I saw this as a fantastic opportunity to share my own enthusiasm for that particular toy and I began picking up a few toy cars here and there. The good thing about that is they only cost a dollar, so it is a fun and easy thing to just pick up when you are at Target. At the time I don't think I realized how much I was tapping in to my own childhood love for the cars, but now it is becoming apparent. As was the case 20 years ago, accuracy is key. At first, I would get service vehicles, like a garbage truck and a school bus, but soon that expanded in to whatever I felt were the coolest cars at the store that particular day. Now that we once again have an organized bin, I realize that my obsession has returned and I have reverted back to my youth. As long as I don't go back to standing in the toy car aisle at the store for an hour trying to pick out which one I want we should be ok.

The thing is, though, Av loves playing with them, too. We will devote entire segments of play time to cars and she is constantly carrying them around with her and in to the bathtub. It isn't like I am making it up, they are fun to play with. She thinks it is most hilarious when you drive the car around on someone's leg or arm. Funny stuff.

As for the stuffed animals, I am pretty sure every kid loves those. I mean, what is cooler when you are a kid than a whole collection of soft, lifelike animals. However, I don't remember having as much of a variety when I was little. The baby has everything from sheep to elephants to monkeys. And we have about 600 stuffed dogs. The favorite game with these guys, other than me creating voices for them and putting them in to strange relationships and imaginary social situations, is when she piles them all up on the ground and leaps in to them. Something that I also always did when I was a kid. Although, I was kind of an aggressive spaz so I would usually tackle one of them and things would get out of hand. I had this huge Yogi Bear rip off guy for a while. I used to kick the shit out of him. Girls appear to be more loving.

Speaking of making up odd relationships and social situation, I have really gotten in to it during bath time lately, too. Bath time at one point was the most boring part of the day. She literally spends hours in there sometimes. But ever since the cars have been added and some more non traditional bath items have turned up in the water I have started having a bit of fun with it. I, again, have created a whole world where anything is possible. There is Grandpa Turtle and his magical powers, the frog barbers who make sure that everyone's hair gets washed and, of course, Mayor Hippo. Oh, and Dora the Explorer is dating Ralph Wiggam from the Simpsons. She got him a job at her dad's tow truck company. This kid has no shot.

Revisiting Barney

A few weeks ago I mentioned that the baby has decided to love Barney and it is slowly sending me on the path to mass murder. Well, it hasn't gotten any better, especially since Comcast still has the same damn four episodes on demand, so I pretty much have every song and dance memorized. Including the rock rap, which I inexplicably can't find a Youtube video of, but features such gem lines as 'If we had instruments I guess you could say that we were in a rock band hey hey hey' and 'I wonder if a rock could grow some hair, that's a silly question, but we love rocks, hey hey hey.' That sound you here is my soul slowly blackening.

Anyway, one character that is not involved with the camp episode is Derek, our slow, 'can't read so good' friend from such classic episodes like 'all about bugs.' Derek is typically a silent character, but when he does talk he sounds like that kid that had to leave your regular class around lunch time to go spend some time with the 'resource teacher' in that tiny classroom next to the bathroom.


This is a man who calls himself 'Gifted That Go- Gitta.'

Look familiar? Take a look at the previous picture again. Yes, this Dallas-area rapper is none other than slow, silent Derek himself, all grown up, chasin' hoes. I actually don't know what sort of rapper he is. He looks like the 50-cent gangsta all of my songs are about sex and shooting people type but let's not type cast him right away. He could just be dropping knowledge like Talib Qwali. Although, I doubt it. Here is a Youtube video I found. Just in case the full body of this information hasn't set in, I remind you of two things. 1. He has named himself 'Gifted That Go-Gitta.' 2. He once wore fake butterfly wings and danced slow kid ballet in the classroom in which Barney and his friends trespass. Have a nice day everyone.