If by some extremely fortunate fluke anyone out there doesn't know who this prehistoric school-yard predator is, I can pretty much sum up the situation like this: Barney is a lifeless purple dinosaur who, when excited by the sound of children laughing, magically comes alive. Once on the scene, he lead said children, usually no more than five in number, but no less than three, in to an empty school. There he apparently teaches them some sort of lesson amidst a lot of really, really gay dancing and serious over acting. Then everyone says 'I love you' and hugs. The end.
If for any reason what I just described above sounds even remotely appealing in some delusional reality that you have somehow slipped in to, please, please take my word for it and don't try it. Please. Consider it publicly televised angel dust.
I remember hating Barney when I was a kid. It was the show that we all made fun of other kids for watching (although, I suspect there were more than one of those little meat heads I used to roll with in first grade who were watching it on the side). Barney was a creep. He played shitty games and sang songs that your grandmother used to sing when school was still in the apartment building at the end of the street. He was also purple. On the surface, a dinosaur is a pretty decent character for a kids show. Dinosaurs are cool, ferocious, and a little bit mysterious. Not Barney. Barney is purple. He dances around and flaps his tiny arms like an idiot and his voice is insufferably high. He sings all of the songs off key so that you can distinguish his voice. His stupid dinosaur eyes don't friggin close (this drives me INSANE) and he wears dentures.
When the baby first started to watch the show I thought to myself 'this can't be as bad as I remember. I was probably just being a dick because I was a teenager.' Not so. Ohhh, no. Not so at all. Watch this clip below and we'll talk.
I'd like to start by pointing out that this clip was from the early-2000's. Now, I know that I may not have an exact concept of how long ago 2002 really was, but it wasn't so long ago that I forgot how people dressed, and no one dressed like that- especially kids. Look at #12, and those unshapely girls. Cool Keds and tube socks. What the hell kind of crab/beetle walk was he doing anyway? That doesn't seem accurate at all. And then there is the white kid, Michael. He is the absolute WORST.
Here is a closer look. What is up with that hair?
His pants in this shot are slightly less acid washed than normal, but you get the idea. In one episode he is wearing a long-sleeved, teal shirt, purple corduroy shorts, tube socks and boat shoes. Nice look, dweeb. Behind him is Lucy, the older sister of the other Spanish girl, who is so loathed and outcast at her high school that she has to go to a vacant middle school and spend her afternoons frolicking around with her sister's lame, pre-teen friends and an imaginary dinosaur. Good luck getting a date to prom, weirdo. Even my lanky, wind-pants-wearing 9th grade self wouldn't have asked you. I actually despise Lucy. I feel a little bad for Michael, because he might be a little bit retarded, but Lucy just sucks. The faces she makes are unbearable, and that pony tail. Oh, that pony tail. Open up a magazine, lady. You look like a middle-aged doctor's office secretary with a Chips Ahoy addiction.
How are these kids allowed in this school by the way? And where are the teachers? The janitors? The principal? Surely they do not leave before the children in the afternoon. Apparently in Barney land (which, according to Wikipedia, is Dallas) the school day ends when the school day ends and children are free to trespass as they please. The classrooms aren't locked and are treated like some sort of public play space. I would go as far as to say that Barney is a bit disrespectful of the facilities funded with our taxpayer dollars, and the public servents who use them. I'm going to need to see your childcare license, Barney, oh and your social security number for a CORI check, too. Thanks.
Also according to Wikipedia, this show is still in production after 18 years, although the original creator has left due to a dispute with the studio. Of course she has. What is the lifespan of a dinosaur anyway? Supposedly these shitty little kids who hang out with Barney are just local students from the Dallas/ Fort Worth area. What does the casting poster say about the roll? Wanted: Child between the ages of 7-12. Must have no friends, an awful wardrobe and a vast knowledge of nonsensical, outdated children's music. This is quite the talent pool, which makes it slightly impressive that this lame ass show has produced such, um, 'stars?' as Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato. I have absolutely no idea who either one of those people are, but Youtube says they are famous so I am going to believe it.
One final thought on this awful, awful waste of TV airtime. Barney's entire gimmick is based on magic. He just waves his big, creepy dinosaur hand and things happen. People appear, things move, problems are solved and broken things are fixed. This is not educational. This teaches you to solve your problems with magic. Sure, most kids shows are entirely unrealistic and based in some way on magic and myth, but Barney flat out uses it as his out for everything. This is no way to get through life. This is probably why he spends his days lurking around middle schools instead of going to work. Lazy dinosaur. He is like that weirdo who goes to the bar by himself, lurks in the corner and never buys a drink.
As much as I hate this show, Av loves it. I guess it makes sense, there is singing and dancing and friendly people, and she is way too young to understand just how lame it really is. She does all of these adorable dances in the living room and she swings her arms and sings along. The problem is that I don't think I am emotionally prepared to handle watching Barney every day. Sometimes it is so lame that it activates my rage trigger. I can feel it in my chest. It is literally the lamest show ever. Lamer than the Wiggles or Mad About You. I can never go see Barney live because there is a strong possibility that I will storm the stage and tackle his giant purple ass.
Let's be honest, kids love Barney, but there are plenty of other shows out there to get attached to. Like Blues Clues. Kids will never know the difference if Barney disappears, and the world will be a better place for it. Let's put our heads together and come up with something better before all of our children start wearing elastic-waste denim shorts and hallucinating prehistoric creatures at school.
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