Episode 124: Late year resolutions

You know that your life has become way too routine when you can't differentiate dreams from reality. This is where I am at right now. Essentially, every week is the same for me. I wake up, spend my day with the baby, go to work. Weekends are the same, with a little more sleep mixed in. The problem is, that I am often so tired when that sleep comes that I start having vivid, lucid dreams that completely overtake my mind. It is kind of like watching a movie instead of going to sleep. Then, as if nothing happened, I shoot awake and start to ask myself what is real. Was I just asleep? Was that a dream? I am in my underwear, it has to be a dream. Far out, right? Trippy, man.

What sucks about this, other than the fact that I am slowly becoming a delusional lunatic, is that my dreams are extremely routine and bland. Nothing cool ever happens. I am usually just stressed out because they are based on my every day life if my every day life were like a sitcom about a guy with bad luck. Last night I got home from the bar and went to bed around 2, exhausted. I woke up 5 hours later having no idea that I fell asleep and asking myself if I really had to forcibly remove someone from the bar or if I really had a pet lemur with a violent streak who attacked me over some twigs and leaves. Way too much work and way too much Zaboomafoo.

"Ahhh I'm freakin' out man! I need twigs, dude. I NEED TWIGS!"

Because of this I have decided that I am going to make a few lifestyle changes. A few resolutions, if you will. Yes, it is not yet December let alone the new year, but I fear if I wait until the Jan. 1 to institute these resolutions I will lose motivation and abandon the effort. Plus, I tend to be hung over from about Dec. 23- Jan 10, so I am in no position to make decisions.

Resolution #1: Join a bowling league. I need something routine to hold on to, an activity that I am known for other than sporadic, mediocre writing, parenting and sleeping. I also need a little bit of non-homosexual male camaraderie in my life since I hate poker and fantasy sports. So, why not get a few pals together and join a bowling league? Bowling is good fun and it is one of the few sports that you are allowed to participate in while drinking. There are cool shirts and plenty of competition. Plus, with a little bit of practice, I know that I can be pretty good. Besides, who doesn't love feeling like they are in The Big Lebowski? I'm humming Bob Dylan's 'The Man in me' as I type this. Walter would dominate candle pin.

Resolution #2: Perform all scheduled maintenance on my car myself. I drive a Chevy Impala. You can find parts for those down the street in front of the Lafayette Market for like, $6. I am sick of paying some gear head to change my oil and flush my fluids and check my breaks. I am a warm blooded American male. I should know how to do this myself. Enough with this city-guy lifestyle that I have been forced in to. I am ready to get my hands dirty. If I can't have a lawn to mow or a driveway to plow I am at least going to break a finger tinkering with my car. I am going to make a trip to Auto Zone, get one of those manuals and I am going to become one with the Impala. Besides, this will be good practice for when I buy all of that land in Vermont and begin using my free time to restore a Plymouth Superbird. Big dreams. Big dreams. Resolution #3: Cooking. The key to every interesting, eclectic man is his ability to cook. I feel like this is a necessary talent to obtain if I want to legitimately eliminate my uselessness. Right now my cooking repertoire includes mac and cheese, anything you can make on a Foreman Grill and birthday cake. That's it. If I am left home alone for more than a day my diet consists primarily of chips and salsa, queso dip and freeze pops. Unacceptable. I have decided that cooking will be a good way to kill time with the baby during the day, and an activity we can both handle together most of the time. I don't care much for baked goods, I'm good for about one cupcake or one cookie then I am all set with the batch, so I have decided that I am going to specialize in cooking actual meals. What these meals are is yet to be determined, but there will be meals. Most of them at some point will likely involve cheese.

Resolution #4: Learn to play an instrument. Also important to being well rounded. And for driving my family nuts, which I feel is part of my duty as the dad. I bought an $8 ukulele at the Christmas Tree Shops yesterday. We're going to start there and see what that does for my confidence. Maybe there will be a larger stringed instrument in my future if it works out. I have already found a surprisingly detailed and in depth 'how to' website. On a separate note, ukulele may be the hardest word in the English language to spell.

Now, you will notice that none of these resolutions involve getting in better shape or making more money. Somehow I just don't see that getting much better next year, so why bother getting all worked up over it? I probably should find a better job, though. I do hate this apartment. As for getting in shape- exercise hurts and it goes against my natural instinct to do things that hurt. Life is hard enough without having to go to the gym and get sweat on by some meat head or having to look at some old man's balls. I drink tea now. The Buddhists say drinking tea helps you live longer, so I am going to replace the gym with that. I actually just made that up, I have no idea if that's true, but I choose to think it is. Just like how I chose to believe that drinking every day is good for you. It has to be, the Internet told me so.

Happy hangover Monday. Going back to work after a long weekend is on the same level as root canals and paying your taxes. You should all strive to be less employed like me. C'mon. Do it. It will make me feel better.

RIP Frank Drebin.