Episode 46:Match Game

I love game shows. More than movies, sitcom reruns, kid shows or sports, I watch game shows. I even pay $8 a month to Comcast for a package that includes the Game Show Network. I don't know what it is about them. Maybe it is the fabulous cash and prizes being won by every day people like you and I. Maybe it is the wide variety of interesting and entertaining hosts, or the ridiculous concept of some of the games. Whatever the case, game shows, in my opinion, are the original reality television, and even the bad ones blow that 'Jersey Shore' crap out of the water.

With the baby, I find that much of her time playing is spent quietly exploring things and pressing buttons, so it helps to have a little something on in the background to keep me from tearing out my own eyes from boredom. Although, old game shows and auto racing on the Speed Network would probably drive a lot of people to tear out their own eyes, but to each his own, right?

I could write an entire blog on game shows that I love (like the Price is Right or Wheel of Fortune) and those I hate (Deal or no Deal, the Newlywed Game) and the same goes for hosts (good ones include Richard Dawson and Drew Carey, while bad ones would feature Alfonso Rubero and my TV nemesis, Tom Bergeron) but I will spare you the boredom- at least until I find the time to write a separate blog on game show culture. Maybe some day.

Today I am going to devote this space to a game show revelation I made last week. The original Match Game. I am sure that some of the older readers (Dad) remember this show, but my only memory of the Match game was the awful, terrible late 90's remake starring the insufferable Michael Burger as host and a list of Hollywood Squares rejects like Sarah Silverman and the equally as insufferable Brad Garrett (funny in Everybody Loves Raymond, awful everywhere else) as celebrity panelists. My brief, fleeting memories of this show are of it being a complete, unwatchable train wreck so you can imagine my expectations when I tuned in to the original on GSN a few days ago.

Boy was I wrong.

First, for those of you who don't know, I will explain in brief detail the concept of the original show. Essentially, two contestants face a panel of six celebrity guests and are asked to fill in the blank of a silly sentence. For example: "Wet Willy was so wet his blank came off on the street" or something to that nature. The six celebrities write down what they think the 'blank' is and then the contestants say what they think it is out loud. If the panelists answer matches, they get a point and so on and so forth. There are more intricate details, but you get the point.

The original match game- aired in the early 1960's- the 1980's was hosted by a man who I had never heard of, Gene Rayburn, seen here.



To say that he was pleasant and entertaining would be an understatement. Two days ago a dead man became my favorite game show host ever. Rayburn's interaction with the celebrity panel is pure gold entertainment, and although I only recognize a few of the panelists on each show, they are much, MUCH more entertaining than say, Bruce Vilanch.

I think the first thing that really struck me was how inappropriate some of the joking was, which surprised me for network TV in the 70's. An episode was on earlier today featuring the absolutely insane Charles Nelson Reilly and an actress whose name I don't remember who happened to be wearing some sort of poncho. Reilly was smoking a tobacco pipe as the show began and the actress began ribbing him for blowing smoke in her face. What followed was a series of unbelievably racist and stereotypical (but admittedly kind of funny) jokes about Native Americans. On a previous episode, the equally as insane and slightly grumpier McLean Stevenson was taken aback by a particularly attractive panelist (whose name I can't for the life of me remember or find) and repeatedly made references to not being able to concentrate because "I don't think she is wearing a bra." At one point, Rayburn responded with "How do you think I feel? At least you are sitting down." Fantastic. Either one of those incidents would have those actors banned from TV and making apology tweets if that happened now days.

I can't say what it is about the promiscuous behavior on the show, but something makes me miss that time in television. I would love to turn on Jeopardy and see a contestant openly smoking, or maybe go back to the days when Dawson used to kiss and grope all of the Female contestants on the Feud. On second thought, I take that back now that Steve Harvey has been named the show's new host (don't even get me started on THAT one). I don't think he has quite the swagger that Dawson had.

In any event, based on some shoddy research I have done (mostly to find out the name of that super hot actress McLean Stevenson was hitting on) it appears that the Match Game existed in several forms from the early 60's until the late 80's, and was then reincarnated for that dark re- make that we spoke about earlier. I can't speak to the later episodes, but I can tell you that the original is far and away the most entertaining game show I have ever seen.

So I guess my point is that if any of you "employed" people out there find yourself at home during the day and you get GSN, check out the Match Game when it is on. You won't be disappointed.

Episode 45: That time I wore a track suit to Target

Less than a month away from her first birthday, Av is really starting to develop and do some 'older kid' things. She can walk much better now, drink from a cup and all sorts of other little tasks that we all take for granted having perfected (most of them) over time. In conjunction with this, and as a result of my time spent supervising her during the day, I have also aged quite significantly. I would go as far as to say I have aged five years since last February, as opposed to her one.

As I have discussed here in the past, much of my life reflects that of a elderly gentleman, from my shopping habits to my car, but what I did last week even seems over the line to me. A little background. As the economy has taken a tough turn, my father took a part- time job at Sears around the holidays to make a little extra cash. Much in the same way his mother did when she worked at Sears back in the 60's, he took advantage of his employment and purchased many of his Christmas gifts from the store this year.

Included in my gifts this season was a shiny, silver track suit made by Nordic Track (remember them, from the treadmill commercials?). Now, I want to preface this story by saying that I really like the track suit. It is comfortable and an excellent thing to toss on when Av pulls my ass out of bed at 7 a.m. or when I am napping on the couch or having breakfast on a Sunday morning. This does not, however, make it OK for me to wear it out of the house.

If you know me well you know that people, especially women, wearing sweat pants out of the house after about 8 a.m. is one of my biggest pet peeves. Included in this are also pajama pants, wind pants and, yes, track pants. Take a little pride in your appearance and toss on some real clothes if you are going to go out. The only exception to this rule are old people. I give old people a pass because it looks like it must be pretty difficult to get dressed when your body is all misshapen from age and your bones are all tired and brittle. Plus, if you have to endure life for that long, you deserve to be comfortable.

Getting back to the story, last Wednesday I woke up with the baby around 7 and put on the track suit to begin the day. I was particularly tired due to a cold I was suffering from and I coasted through the morning with the suit on until it was nap time. Since I work Wednesday nights, I will typically avoid showering in the morning on Wednesdays and just hop in right before I have to go to work- but I almost always make sure that I look decent if we are going to go out still.

Av woke up from her nap and we needed an activity, so we decided we would go to Target to get her some food and a few other things that we needed for the house. Without thinking, I packed her up, grabbed my stuff and got in the car. Track suit and all. I realized what I had done pretty early on, probably before we were off of our street, but at that point it was already much too late to turn around and head back to change, as that would involve getting her out of the car and I wasn't doing that.

So, off to Target I went dressed like an athletic astronaut, wearing brown leather sneakers that weren't even close to an appropriate addition to the outfit and a baseball cap with furry ear flaps.
'It is 11 a.m. on a Wednesday at Target- I won't be the only one here dressed like an idiot,' I thought. 'At least I have my jacket on over the track suit top.'

I was right. I did have my jacket- my RED North Face ski jacket on over the silver track suit. Unfortunately, the track top was longer than the coat top, so you could still see that it was a two-piece suit- and I was still wearing the stupid leather sneakers and the ear flap hat. Other than the time I split my pants and had to sneak through Target with my junk hanging out, (details here: http://trialbyfireparenting.blogspot.com/2009/08/episode-4-one-where-i-almost-expose.html) this is the second most embarrassing trip I have ever made to Target.

We got inside the store, me feeling like an idiot, and I began to look around. I saw a lady in jeans, people in dress pants, women in skirts- even the old people and college girls were dressed appropriately. Dammit. Now, I know that literally no one at Target even noticed what I was wearing- let alone cared- but it still bothered me. What if today was the day some old dude drove through the front of the store and I was interviewed on the news. What if I bumped in to someone I knew? What if my car breaks down and I have to call AAA? Too, too risky. I didn't feel comfortable the entire time. Well, physically I felt extremely comfortable, but mentally I felt like a scrub. Figures. The one time I don't go to Walmart.

I am achy. My hair is extremely close to being more salt than pepper. I drive a Chevy Impalla. I wear track suits to the store. I am 80. I need to get back to school soon or I am going to die of old age in like a year.

Episode 44- Winter blues

So I am aware that I have not been updating the blog much lately, and for that I apologize. My only excuse is that it is winter, which always makes me feel like crap, and frankly, there just isn't a whole hell of a lot going on to inspire me.

I hate winter. I have always hated winter. It is cold, wet and annoying, and now that I am home with the baby all day it has become even harder to deal with because of the crappy weather. I literally dread every time that it snows. Snow means moving my car three blocks away because of the parking ban, and then coming back to shovel out the parking space the snow plow filled in during said parking ban. To make matters worse, I live in a neighborhood full of lazy assholes so the sidewalks are never shoveled and if the particular parking spot that I shovel out isn't available I am left to drive the Impala over 15 feet of snow because everyone else employs the "blast my car through the snow" method of getting out.

Aside from the cold and the snow and the shoveling and the parking, all of which is enough to make me miserable 100 percent of the season, the worst part of winter is that I am pretty much stuck inside the house for 4-5 months straight, and with a baby that is bad news.

Winter activities like skiing and snowboarding, ice skating and fishing do nothing for me, no appeal at all, and my usual summer time activities like going to the park or the beach or for a walk, are almost always ruined by snow and cold. You would think that with the baby I could find something- maybe go out and play in the snow, make a snow man etc... but that isn't how it works. At 11 months she is way too young to actually participate in any activity besides picking up and falling in to the snow, and that is not worth the 15-20 minutes of effort to get her bundled up amidst blood curdling screams, and the 15-20 minutes that follow play time when I have to take everything off.

As a result of everything, the past few weeks have been exclusively spent in the house playing with toys and eating. We go to the store when we need things and that is it. I even keep talk radio on during the day to remind myself that there is something else in the world besides the things contained within these walls. I am officially losing my mind.

The baby has even been getting bored lately, and she seems to be a lot like me. When we do go outside in the cold she makes a pained face and tries to crawl in to her coat like a turtle shell. She despises any type of moisture that isn't a result of a bath or a swimming pool and she hates, and I mean HATES putting on a coat and hat. She does watch the snow outside the window, and sometimes we will go on the porch so she can try and catch it in her hand or mouth, but even that has minimal appeal to her. I think she likes the way it looks, but could do without all the rest of it.

So, in a desperate attempt to save my sanity this season I have been brainstorming ideas for activities. We have talked about taking her to swim lessons at the YMCA or some other baby activity, and I am hoping it warms up slightly from "bitter cold" to "slightly miserable" soon and maybe I will take her sledding or something. Until then, we are just going to have to keep chasing the cats and sneezing from all of the dust being blown out of our heating vents. That is another thing I hate about winter. Heat. Ugh, don't even get me started.

Maybe I can convince Mom to move to San Diego. Or New Mexico. Or anywhere that it doesn't snow.

Episode 43- Poop follies

As the title of this post would suggest, today's topic is kind of disgusting, so if you are feeling squeamish or perhaps a little bit hungover (oh c'mon, like none of you have ever accidentally gotten drunk on a Monday night and had to suffer through work the next day) you may want to sit this one out.

With two cats and a baby living in the same house, it is safe to say that I wake up to poop of some kind every single day of the week. After months of watching Av, this is still the one thing that I have not been able to get used to or accept. There really isn't much worse than pulling your tired ass out of be at 6:45 a.m. and immediately dealing with a poop situation. Even if the baby didn't drop a load in her diaper the night before, I still have a nights worth of clumped up cat poop to scoop, which despite its convenience and isolation in the litter box is still poop.

I guess I'd still take that over a dog though. While I am scooping poop my idiot neighbor is up walking his dog in the freezing cold, scraping up its fresh, steaming poop from the sidewalk and carrying it in a bag next to him. Sucker. I bet that thing still poops on his floor, too- no matter how many times he walks it.

In any event, for the first few months the poop thing went fairly well. It was gross and sometimes first thing in the morning, but for the most part we had a routine and a system going. When I realize there is poop I tear off about 15 pieces of paper towel and lay them down. Then I grab a grocery bag, some wipes and a change of clothes and get to work. This worked fairly well to contain the poop and keep me from getting any on my hands or the changing table. Lately, though, Av has decided that staying still while she gets a diaper change is too much to ask.

Now she thinks it is cool to roll around, stand up on her knees, play with stuff etc... This is not cool. This is far from cool and has resulted in several occasions over the past week or so where poop has ended up on me, my clothing, her changing table, the walls, her feet, legs and hands, some toys, the floor and one time inside the laundry basket. You want to talk about testing someone's patience? Smear poop all over them and everything around them and see how they react.

I have no solution for this problem. I have no idea what to do. It is to the point where I just want to cover an entire room in plastic just for diaper changing purposes. I wish she would just tell me when she was going to go so I could hold her over the toilet. I think I will head to the Family Dollar and get some gloves today. Maybe if I am not worried about getting poop on my hands I will be more willing to manhandle her in an effort to keep her still.

Sorry for grossing you all out today. At least now you can all go back to work or whatever you are doing and be happy that there is no shit on your shoes. Good day.

Episode 42- As if I didn't have my hands full already

So it has taken me three days and thousands of man hours just to upload the video lower in this post. First, Blogger.com decided it didn't want to upload the video and then the video I was looking for disappeared in to the abyss that is my computer. To make matters worse, the site will no longer allow me to place the video where I would like to, only at the bottom of the page. Cool. I hate technology sometimes. Actually, I hate technology almost all the time.

Now well over a week back from my break from being professional dad I am finally starting to get used to the sleep schedule and routine we had set up before (it's amazing how sleeping just an hour longer for a few days can destroy months of training), and the baby is getting used to not seeing mom around all day long again.

That said, just being away from it for that short period of time- splitting duty with Monica and spending holidays at strange new houses and such- has really left me feeling painfully out of practice. I have had to regain my patience and re establish myself as the primary entertainment that my child has during the day (and yes, I consider myself an entertainer as well as a caretaker).

The new Christmas toys are making my job slightly easier. The fact that she can walk is not. For a few months leading up to the holidays Av displayed a strong ability to stand and balance herself on things, but I don't think that were were too confident she had enough confidence to try and walk. Usually she would just grab out hands and make us do it. Finally, a few days after Christmas, I got a phone call.

"Your daughter can walk."

As you can see in the video at the bottom, it is a sloppy, drunk type of walk, sort of like if Frankenstein got wasted and tried to run, but it is still a walk and she feels really cool that she can do it. This event took place probably three or four days before I started watching her during the days again, and I had visions of myself chasing her around the house and trying to stop her from monkeying all over things. Obviously, I now know that those expectations were ridiculous, but give me a break, I'm flying by the seat of my pants here.

She did try to run the other day, which ended in a probably painful but pretty humorous fall on the kitchen floor. The slightest bump of the head apraks the dramatic water works every ntime, so you can imagine the show that took place after she slid on her face across the kitchen floor. Yeah, yeah it probably hurt a little, but come on, she is a kid. They are supposed to get hurt.

Mostly, she still crawls most places, but she likes to pull herself up on to her feet and walk from object to object in the house. It is kind of entertaining sometimes, but mostly it is just tedious. Some days she will literally do laps around the coffee table for what seems like hours, just holding on and grabbing whatever she can reach. I still spend a good amount of my time trying to keep her from eating any and everything she finds, which is also made more difficult by the fact that she isn't afraid to take the one step in between the coffee table and the entertainment center.

Dear Comcast,

I am sorry for returning this soggy remote control with teeth marks in the buttons and some sort of unidentified crust on the battery case. It was either your remote or the Internet modem. I went with what I thought would be cheaper to replace. This is payback for the past two months of shitty service and your inability to tell me why.

Dan.

So, as you can probably tell my hands are pretty full now and I am really learning on the fly.

TBF toy review 1: Tempo the Tiger singing broom

In an effort to find something other than current events and my own mundane daily activities to write about, I have decided to start a series of toy reviews, maybe once a week or so. I figure I spend as much of my time playing with these toys as the baby and perhaps it may be helpful and or entertaining in some way for some of you.

I will attempt to rate each toy on an extremely highly scientific rating system that I just made up. The toys will be rated on a scale of 1-5 in five different categories, 1. Child enjoyment, 2. Parent enjoyment, 3. Annoyance, 4. usefulness (in keeping my kid occupied and/or quiet) and finally 5. staying power- that is, will the toy last more than a few weeks before it gets cast aside to be tripped over and eventually hurled in the trash.

Today we will discus Tempo the Tiger Musical Broom by the Baby Genius Company (seen above). Tempo is one of the company's many characters, most of which I am not familiar with, and his likeness was used as the basis for the singing broom, which is supposed to make cleaning fun or something like that. I decided to get it for Av at Christmas because she is always grabbing and trying to eat our actual broom (along with everything else in the house).

Apparently a jazz musician from New Orleans, Tempo's voice sounds like a cross between Luis Armstrong and the guy who does the Allstate commercials. The broom features a tiger face wearing sunglasses as the base, with the bristles coming out of his neck and a moderately long handle. He features several 'fun' sounds and sayings available by touching his nose, pushing down on the bristles or pressing a button on the handle.

Among Tempo's sayings are 'I love to sweep!' 'Great job!'and 'Sweeping is fun.' Of course, there is also a short song that he sings. Set to a tune mysteriously similar to 'When the Saints go Marching in,' the 20-second jam goes something like this...

'Now sweep that broom,
Now sweep the room,
Please, sweep, sweep, sweep the broom,
It's fun to clean with that tiger,
Tempo the Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiger.'

Yeah. I did that from memory. Sad.

So, how does tempo stack up?

1. Child enjoyment- Av was a little cold toward Tempo at first but has warmed up recently. She doesn't play with him much, but she likes to look at him and she likes his voice. It seems like she enjoys him but isn't quite sure exactly what his deal is yet. She will not help sweep with him, though. Mostly she will just want me to make him talk and sing. (She can't quite figure out how to press the nose button herself). 3 points.

2. Parent enjoyment- The primary reason for purchasing Tempo was to have something to give her when I take the real broom away, and in that area so far the toy has been a failure. As for me, there isn't much opportunity to play with Tempo other than pressing his nose. The song is kind of dumb and the 'realistic' sweeping noises are less than perfect, but overall I find Tempo to be fairly non offensive and fun to look at. 3 points.

3. Annoyance- It is the classic conundrum faced by parents: we want to avoid buying anything that makes noise, especially if it sings, but most kids don't like quiet 'boring' toys. Tempo has a nice balance. The song, as I said, is pretty dumb, but it is like 20 seconds long and can't be played in isolation (you have to listen to all the other crap he says before the song plays). It can get to be a bit much if she leaves him face down on the ground, as his nose will just press against the floor and repeat his dumb sayings, but for the most part it is tolerable. 4 points.

4- Usefulness- As I said above, the primary reason for buying Tempo was to become a distraction from the real broom. This has been a failure. I really don't think she gets the correlation between the two at all. Sporadic playing aside, the broom doesn't serve much of a purpose as she is too young to clean and I fear that when she is old enough the toy will be a little too lame for her. 2 points.

5- Staying power- Although Av doesn't use the broom to sweep I feel like it could be one of the longer lasting toys in the house. She plays with him sparingly enough where I don't feel like she will get sick of him, and I am still leaving the door open on that whole 'play cleaning' thing. More importantly, the thing has an off button and isn't very big, so if it is pissing me off I can just stick it in a corner until I cool off. 4 points.

So, Tempo the Tiger musical broom scores a 16 out of a possible 25 points on the official TBF Toy Rating Scale. I tend to think that other Tempo the Tiger toys are probably super, super annoying, but the broom is OK to stay in my book.