Episode 37: The one where I realize I have lost touch with reality.

Despite the fact that I am arguably working harder on a daily basis as a stay at home dad than I have ever worked at any 'real' job, the general feeling of anxiety and worthlessness that comes along with being virtually unemployed has done nothing but increase in recent weeks, and once again it is starting to consume me.

I am not sure what started it. Maybe it is due to a recent increase in successful high school classmates 'reconnecting' with me via Facebook. Maybe it was the conversation my manager at Beer Works had with me last week where, among other things, he said I had the 'mindset and work ethic' needed to become a 'successful' restaurant manager. Maybe it is just because I am sick of not having any money. Whatever the case my be, and as much as I enjoy staying home all day, I am going to have to do something to get my life back on track soon.

The problem, really, is that I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I said I wanted to be a teacher when I went to college because it seemed like an easy career path to take (and aside from nursing it was the program with the highest female enrollment). When I realized two years in that I didn't care enough about other people's kids to be a good teacher, I chose journalism because everyone said I was a good writer and the professors in the Communications program seemed less snooty than those in the English department. So, I rode it through, abandoning my dreams to be a sports writer early on and settling on a life as a news man. Now, five years and about 200 involuntary cat naps during municipal meetings later, I am back doing what I was doing before college. Working in a restaurant and slowly nursing a hatred for the human race.

For weeks I have drowned my anxious feelings in a sea of Jim Beam and racked my brain to try and come up with a worthwhile career. I stalked through Facebook profiles and asked friends with 'real' jobs questions. I have reviewed every career and college website in existence and watched my fair share of commercials for Everest, Le Cordon Bleu College and Bryman (which are all very convincing). But it took a news story that I would have both loved and hated covering to bring everything full circle for me.

I am speaking, of course, about the Tiger Woods saga. It has everything that anyone could want in a news story. A compelling, rich, world famous public figure, long believed to be golf's version of Jesus, is all of a sudden destroyed by a bizarre series of events that include massive international infidelity. As a newspaper reporter I would have had a good time covering this story for the first few days, and then probably would have started wishing for it to go away around week two. But as a bartender, I couldn't help but read every article and stay glued to the TV, basking in satisfaction as the 'golden boy of golf' was embarrassed publicly in a way only legends in perversion like Marv Albert can relate to.

It was during one of the many (completely unnecessary) 'breaking Tiger news' cutaways on ESPN last week that I had a professional epiphany. The 'breaking news' involved a press conference outside of an Orlando area hospital. A gentleman, perhaps slightly older than myself, with a beard and similar build was answering questions from reporters. He was titled 'hospital spokesman.' He answered what he could, said 'no comment' a lot and joked with reporters. He was wearing a suit. He looked nice. Now THAT is a job I could do. Spin some PR for whatever company or organization I work for, face the crowds if something happens and look good doing it.

Now, public relations has long been considered among reporters as the 'evil empire', but that is primarily because they make about twice as much money and do about half of the work of a journalist, and at this point in my life, I am totally willing to kneel at that crossroads.

Yes, I had it all figured out. Take the GRE, go back for my master's in strategic communications, get a job. The end.

Unfortunately, I hit yet another snag in my plan almost immediately.

Apparently, and without realizing it, it appears that I have somehow missed out on the past 5-7 years of technological advances. I still have a tiny, crappy flip cell phone. I run Windows ME and know little of operating computers beyond Microsoft Office. I still have a Playstation 2, which doubles as a DVD player, and I have to ask for help before I upload videos and pictures to this blog. I do not own an Ipod or a GPS system, and, like an old man, I just don't get this whole 'Twitter' phenomenon. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. I feel like my 51-year-old father who had dial up until 2007.

Part of the problem is that I am more interested in how the Chia Cat Grass Garden works than I am about computers, and I only have like six friends and half a job, so I don't exactly need the newest touch screen communication technology either.
Still, this is going to be an issue, considering my role as a stay at home dad will require me to get this degree online, and I don't even come close to meeting the technology requirements listed in the course catalog. Looks like I have a longer road to travel than I thought.

So, for now it looks like I will just have something new to worry about as I watch others continue to get high paying jobs and schedule dinner dates with groups of friends on Friday nights, where they will inevitably make me fetch them 1,000 things and then tip 15 percent. I will continue to sit on my couch and watch ESPN 2 while other bearded spokesmen get the glory at important press conferences, and I will keep being envious of that minority with the GED who is installing HVAC equipment thanks to his courses at Kaplan Career Institute. I will just have to pick up some extra shifts tending bar and keep punching away at the blog until I find time to take a computer course or two. That said, my kid is crying (again) so I had better get back to work. I wish this job paid better (or at all) because I kind of like it.