Day two of writing on a cell phone. Maybe I should blog about blogging with only my index finger. Surprisingly I'm quite proficient at this. Who says old men are no good at technology? Was it Buzz Feed? WHAT'S A BUZZ FEED, SONNY? In any event, the usual eye bending multi-media experience you're all expecting is on hold for now. Until then, words.
I'm already at about a level 9 today. Between trying to drop Av off at school on a freezing cold Friday and this whole "deflategate" bullshit I'm about ready to eviscerate the planet. Seriously, if I hear the term "deflated football" one more time I'm going to freak out. I mean FREAK OUT. Like, tear my shirt off, run down the street waiving my hands over my head and screaming like a maniac. I would share my opinion on what is the most irrelevant, overblown thing in history -- or at least since that skinny bitch in England had that baby-- but I think you all know what I'm going to say. Instead, just picture me giving two angry middle fingers to 85 percent of America. Thanks for ruining the Super Bowl, news media.
Dropping Av off at school can be frustrating. We live close enough to walk but during the winter everyone takes advantage of the "rolling dropoff" system the school has set up, because walking in the cold sucks and, quite frankly, we're all too damn grouchy and tired to bundle everyone up and take a nice morning stroll this time of year anyhow.
This is the part where I point out that when I was in kindergarten I had to wait outside every day, no matter how cold, to get on a frozen ice box of a bus and bounce around with no seatbelt until I got to school. And it wasn't a short ride. Kids these days have it easy.
The issue with the rolling drop off is not convenience, in theory it's a great idea. Drive up, open the door, kick your kid out and some teacher brings them inside. The problem is that there is room for only five cars at a time and you have about 200 people coming from three different directions all pulling up at once. Add in the fact that 190 of those 200 cars are driven by soccer moms, nannies and trophy wives and you end up with a massive clusterfuck of clueless, selfish, bitchy women just muffing up the whole operation. Thanks Obama. I usually have to compose myself three or four times per morning, mostly as a reminder that getting out of the car and losing my mind on some PTO mom in ill fitting work out gear will just make things awkward at afternoon pick up.
Interestingly enough, rolling pick up is not an option, so I have to stand outside in the cold and fight the same grumpy, frumpy bunch for a parking space in a thickly settled neighborhood of side streets at the end of the day. As you can imagine I don't talk to any of them. I just listen to them squawk from afar and silently hate them. About once a week me and one equally anti social mom share a grumble, usually to the effect of 'ugh, their class is always the last one out and I swear the teacher makes us wait longer when it rains.' I like that lady. I don't know her name. I like that too.
As an added bonus if I park too far away Av yells at me the whole way to the car because her legs hurt. You know, because she spent her day doing rotational squats and lifting heavy freight at kindergarten.
Ugh, rotational squats. Single handedly ruined my new fitness regimine after about 14 minutes. Fourteen minutes of rotational squats and I couldn't bend over for a week. Scam.
I canceled a doctor's appointment yesterday for no good reason other than I flat out didn't have it in me to go through that charade. You know how it goes. First you have to drive there, which is a whole thing. Then after you wait forever a nurse puts you on a scale, takes your blood pressure and pretends not to judge you. There is always some smelly, sick old person in the waiting room. Wheezing. With flaky skin and a big diabetes foot. Slumped over, not hearing whichever child drove him there trying to explain when their next appointment is. That appointment is in about one day, by the way, because when you're old the maintenance never stops. Yep, they're just sitting there reminding you of your own mortality. You can do all the rotational squats you want, but some day the skin on your face is going to start sliding off and you're going to need one of your kids to drive you around so you don't stuff your Oldsmobile in to the store front of a crowded laundromat on Easter Sunday.
All this before the damn doctor even comes in.
I like my doctor. He isn't over bearing and he actually has a personality. He has five kids and has been married twice so there are a lot of "ehhh, women... Am i right??" type jokes. The problem is that the advice he gives you is just so damn unrealistic. Last time I was there, and this is 100 percent the truth, he told me that during the day if he gets a craving for a sweet or unhealthy snack he-- wait for it-- sucks on a few almonds until his craving is gone. Sucks. On. A. Few. ALMONDS. You see, the salt from the almonds kills your craving and then, once you've sucked it, you eat the almond and it hits you with a blast of protein so you aren't hungry anymore. Guess what I'm never doing.
During one of our inevitable conversations about physical fitness I was telling him that it's tough for me to get exercise because I hate the gym and I don't have time with my kids and work to do the things I used to do like play basketball or generally dick around all day. He told me what he did. You see, when Doc gets home from work, after he tucks in his 5 kids and no doubt shoots a passive "thanks for spending all of my money" look at his post-5 kids looking wife, he sucks down an almond and pops in a P90X dvd. He spreads out some room in his basement and works out for ABOUT AN HOUR. Oooookaaay pal. Sure thing. I'll just spread out some mats in my apartment and hop around like an elephant for an hour or so when I get home from work. Sounds delightful.
Then he looks at my blood work, tells me I'm perfectly healthy but I should work out more and I probably drink too much. Of course, to him, drinking one beer a day is too much. Not because it's unhealthy, mind you, but because what if you have a beer and one of your kids has an emergency and you need to drive them to the hospital? Well Dr. Worst Case Scenario, maybe if you weren't sucking on almonds all day instead of eating actual food your tolerance would be a little bit higher.
Still, going to the doctor as an adult is way better than taking a child to a doctor. I severely dislike Av and Lucas' doctor. Talk about preachy. My word. Don't do this, he shouldn't have that, don't feed them this. This bitch thinks kids need to be in rear facing car seats until they're in like the 8th grade. People like her are the reason kids have crazy allergies. Oh no! Don't give them anything! Don't expose them to anything! Make sure they grow up to be sickly and intollerable so they can drink gluten free beer and ruin life for everyone who loves PB&J for lunch! Ahhhhhh your two year old STILL HAS A PACIFIER WHEN HE TAKES A NAP!!?? AND HE EATS REAL PEOPLE FOOD??!! AHHHHHHH. Actually it's way more passive aggressive than that. Then she leaves and sticks some poor med school nurse with the dirty work, giving shots and making kids cry.
Anyway, the conversation I had when I canceled the appointment with my doctor went like this:
"Hi, I have an appointment with Dr. So and So today, I, uh, got called in to wo-- ah, I'm just not gonna be there."
"Ok, sir. Do you want to reschedule?"
"Eh, doesn't matter. Up to you."
"Um. Ok? Uh. Wellll, I actually have a cancellation tomorrow at 3, does that work?"
"Nah. I'm not gonna come tomorrow either. Maybe in the summer we'll give it a shot."
"Ummm. Oookkay... Ah, how about Aug. 3 at 1?"
"Yeah. Sure. Why not? We'll jot that one down and see what happens."
Weird, I think I just remembered something I have to do on August 3.
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