New computer, no excuses. I'm (we) are back. The old Dell laptop, or 'The Tank' as I began calling it, finally started its slow decent toward computer dementia over the past couple of months. Youtube videos getting choppy, typing delayed, cursor skipping around all over the place for no apparent reason, no left click, random restarting, delayed downloads, frozen porn- all of the unacceptable behaviors of a computer that is approaching 5-years-old. Which, in the rip-off, buy our new model world of technology is like turning 85.
This, of course, is not the only reason that I have been largely absent over the past few months. Monica is back to work and I am now 'parenting' (surviving) two children who are both younger than my laptop by myself for large portions of every day. This means that I am usually dealing with at least one child who is crying, eating, making a mess or needing something from me. And neither of them can seem to get on the same freaking page and at least need the same thing at the same time. Av is hungry when Luke needs a diaper change. Luke needs to eat at the exact moment that Av needs help getting the toothpaste on her toothbrush. Neither one of them are ever asleep at the same time.
Combine all of this with the fact that babies evidently do not like being put down (seriously, dude, I just have to take a dump. Chill in your chair for three minutes. Please. THREE MINUTES!) and it makes it very difficult to find time to blog. In fact, as I type this I am on very borrowed time. Luke is napping while Monica helps Av take a shower before she goes back to work and Av eats dinner. It could be 2015 before I actually finish this.
What it really comes down to is that I should be the one going off to work every day because Monica is much better at this than I am. Much better. That baby loves her. Doesn't much care for me. I do not smell as good.
I was inspired to write again today by reading an article about how parenting blogs have taken off and are evidently the 'new thing.' The story featured things like 'Conversations I have with my two-year-old" or "Reasons my Son is Crying" and the insufferably talentless Drew Mageary of Deadspin.com who has inexplicably spun his 'Dadspin' blog in to a book deal. Just remember I may only have around a dozen readers, but I consider myself the founder of this genre. Dad blogs would not exist without me. I am the Benjamin Franklin of Dad blogs. I'll never see the royalties. Story of my life.
Anyway, let's catch up on a few things I may have missed. Quite a bit has happened since the last time I posted. Some Russian pricks blew some people up at the Boston Marathon. That was a real jerk move on their part, but at the very least it gave every conservative anti-gun control Obama-basher and lunatic government conspiracy theorist a chance to pontificate on Twitter for a few days. Also, it gave the local news a chance to run some new graphics and beat a story to death with a crowbar.
#Fuckin' Obama.
Also getting pretty sick of the whole #BOSTONSTRONG thing. I get it. Unity and coming together and all that. There were a lot of great moments directly after the events, but people who go the 'LOOK AT ME' route with it are starting to get on my nerves a little bit. There is no reason for the coffee shop down the street to still be selling teal BOSTON STRONG sweatshirts two months later. Just send your $10 text message donation like the rest of us and keep quiet. Oh, and stop thanking police officers on Twitter. Police officers don't follow you on Twitter.
What happened was disgusting and the people who stepped up should be praised, especially first responders. But wearing your #BOSTONSTRONG headband to the gym doesn't prove anything.
There were some tornadoes that tore up Oklahoma and killed a good number of people on live television. That was a jerk move on Mother Nature's part, but not at all an unexpected one. It does raise a question as to why in a city that had already experienced the same tragedy twice before public safety leaders didn't have more of an exit plan or shelter for, you know, students who might be at school. I mean, sure, the tornado came on quick, but you knew it was coming at some point, right? And one of those schools didn't seem to have an emergency shelter. Kids were hiding under desks. I always wondered as a kid during bomb scares why we all just went outside and stood in the parking lot. Like, if the building blows up we are 15 feet away. We are still screwed. It is the same thing with the tornado. Hide in a closet? Under your desk? Ohhh, that's right, tornadoes only pick up one item at a time. If you are under the desk it will only pick up the desk. C'mon people. We are smarter thanthat. But, listen, I am not a city councilor or a school superintendent so I am not going to judge. It is really horrible what happened to those people. I know, I watched it live. That shit is terrifying. Again, text message donation sent. I will say this, I wouldn't move to Oklahoma if I were you.
#Fuckin' Obama.
Some stuff blew up in Texas. I don't know that much about this story, to be honest, but it sounds pretty horrible and it is almost definitely a direct result of Obamacare.
#Fuckin' Obama.
An 80-year-old man reached the summit of Everest. Good for you, man. I hope that at 80 I will still be able to complete feats of physical endurance. Because, you know, I do that now. Actually, if it wasn't for Obama... Ok, I won't murder that joke. I'll just leave it bleeding where someone can find it and maybe revive it.
There were all sorts of other things that happened, but most of them didn't register on my radar enough to really formulate my opinion on them. I do not like Justin Bieber. That is for sure.
On the home front things aren't that much different. We still have two children. Monica is back to work and I get thrown up on at least three times a day. Often times at 3 a.m.
I do really enjoy the NBC show 'Hannibal' which is a new drama featuring the familiar characters from Red Dragon and other novels in the Hannibal Lector series by Thomas Harris. I am obsessed with those books and their spin off films, though, so maybe I am just nerding out over the show like all you other nerds do with Game of Thrones. In any event, Mads Mikkelsen plays Lector as good or better than Anthony Hopkins did and Lawrence Fishburne is in it co-starring along some Brittish guy who is married to Claire Danes. And who doesn't like Lawrence Fishburne and Claire Danes?
Thanks to all who keep checking the site looking for new posts. If all goes well this should be a pretty fertile summer for the blog. Fertile? Not sure if that is the right term to use, but I'm not changing it. I'm not. I love you all.
Due to a few very poor life choices, missed opportunities, misguided advice and and a dislike for condoms, I find myself at almost 30 essentially keeping the schedule of a single welfare mom. It has its pros and cons, but if nothing else, I am very well versed in daytime television programing. Because of this, one thing I have been able to pass along to my daughter (and hopefully, eventually my son), is a deep, passionate love of game shows. Game shows are the best thing on television. What is not to like? Regular people (usually) just like you and I playing games that seem simple enough that most of us feel like we could do a better job than the actual contestants if we were just given that one, magical chance to win fabulous cash and prizes. It is the ultimate regular man dream.
There are an infinite number of game shows. Games of chance, trivia, problem solving and physical performane. People seem to like ranking things these days, so here is my expert list of the top five current game shows. Why the top 5 and not the bottom 5, which would conform more closely to my cynical, miserable attitude? Because there are way too many bad games shows. Like that one hosted by Guy Fieri, or anything that involves Jeff Foxworthy. In fact, just as a general life rule, if it involves Jeff Foxworthy it is best to avoid it. This includes Jeff Foxworthy's Grit Chips which, unfortunately for society, is an actual product.
First, a few guidelines. What qualifies as a "game show?" A game show, for these purposes, is any show where contestants have to play a game, answer questions, or complete a non-athletic task in order to win prizes. Shows like 'Wipeout' or 'American Gladiators,' for example, do not count. Also, although game shows are really the first incarnation of the 'reality show,' as they currently exist, reality shows do not count. This means no 'Survivor,' 'Big Brother,' 'Biggest Loser' or any other competition of that nature. We are looking at traditional, plastic-hosted, studio audience, win a Volkswagen game shows.
Also, in order to be illegible, a current version of the show must still be televised. Game Show Network plays repeats of plenty of classics like '$100,000 Pyramid' or 'Match Game,' but those shows are no longer on the air and 80 percent of those people you are watching are dead.
5. Wheel of Fortune
"Wheel" is an American institution. Vanna White and Pat Sajak have been creepily not aging while your family wraps up dinner for the past 30 years. The appeal of the "Wheel" is how seemingly easy the game is. Spin the wheel, guess a letter, solve the puzzle. Of every game show on television, I feel most confident in my ability to play Wheel of Fortune. I sit on my couch, wait for the contestants to guess letters, and usually solve the puzzle before they do. I still remember the time I knew I could dominate this show. I was in high school. 'Becker' was in its prime as a viable CBS comedy. The clue was "Hollywood Couples." The answer was Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen." I solved it with only a "T" and an "M." BOOM. Give me the money.
Here is the problem with Wheel of Fortune: It is easy to solve the puzzle when some fool on TV guesses all the letters for you. When the lights are not in your face. When Pat Sajak's majestic figure isn't standing on a stool inches away from you. Wheel of fortune is about luck. You can solve the puzzle all you want, but you aren't rolling a 'Bankrupt' from your couch. I often wonder how difficult that game board must be to read. It has to be overwhelming. How do you not just get up there and freeze?
So why is such a difficult, magical game show only number five on the list? Two reasons. First, the contestants are consistently the ugliest on TV. Even worse than Jeopardy. Wheel of Fortune participants look like the producers literally went to your local Planet Fitness and dragged the first three people they saw walking on the treadmill in to the studio. Every. Single. Night. Sure, there is the element of the "common man," but when I'm eating tacos on my couch I don't need to see my 8th grade math teacher's ugly older sister screaming "BIG MONEY" at the wheel. Get it together, guys.
The second reason it is ranked so low is the final puzzle. RSTLNE? Sounds like a scam. It is like KENO. I don't trust it. Oh, so you already know six of the nine letters before you made the puzzle? No thanks. For years I have been convinced that when you play KENO the numbers automatically go in to a giant computer data base that dictates which numbers come up based on a ratio that selects which numbers have been selected fewest. I feel like Wheel of Fortune does the same thing. Oh, we are going to give the contestant RSTLNE? Well let's come up with a "thing" that contains almost none of those letters. Rip off. THAT is why I don't like Wheel of Fortune. Still, though, Vanna White-- Two years older than my mom, looking good. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel about that.
4. Jeopardy!
Ahhh, Jeopardy! The thinking man's game. Nobody doesnt' like Jeopardy! That being said, I feel like this game gets a free pass despite a large number of flaws. Everyone likes to play Jeopardy! from home like it is some sort of competition. It isn't. Every Tuesday someone gets lucky and gets a sports, movies or literature category that they sweep from the comfort of their living room and, if they are lucky, they know a few more random correct answers from shit they remember learning in 7th grade. This creates the illusion that anyone could play Jeopardy! I assure you, Rosie Perez in 'White Men Can't Jump' does not really happen. Jeopardy! is hard. Like, really freaking hard. Unless you are a well accomplished teacher or a genius, you aren't winning Jeopardy! Not only are the answers random facts, they are usually random facts about things that no one pays attention to. Who in their right mind knows, or even cares, who ruled England in 1237? No one. Except for that one lady that got it right.
That is flaw number one. Flaw number two is the whole "answer in a form of a question" bullshit. Seriously? I have seen people lose money because they screwed this up. Most of the time it doesn't even make sense. The concept is that they give you the 'answer' and you have to respond with the 'question.' Let me give you an example of how that should work.
A: " I was the center fielder for the 1994 Pittsburgh Pirates."
Q: "Who is Andy Van Slyke?"
Yes! you are correct, sir!
But that isn't how it usually works. Normally it is more like this:
A: In 1783, the first manned flight of this recreational transportation device was performed by Jean-François Pilâtre de Rozier.
Q: "What is a Hot air balloon?"
Ok. Let's examine this. So, you are having a casual conversation with someone. They for some reason have a question about who manned the first hot air balloon flight. Is that how they going to phrase that question? "What is a hot air balloon?" And is that how you answer? Absolutely not. No way. Answer like that and your friend probably tells you to screw. Why can't people just answer the question like a normal trivia show? It is hard enough without having to conform to your silly Jeopardy! standards.
Finally, we have Alex Trebek. Another American institution. I would LOVE to see this cocky bastard participate in his own game and see how well he really does. He makes it sound like he knew the answer without having to look at his card every time someone gets a question wrong. It drives me totally insane. Alex Trebek has created this illusion that he is some sort of librarian genius who creates these questions himself based on his own knowledge. No. he reads the question and then he reads the answers off of a card. Not impressed Trebek. NOT IMPRESSED! Also, the day he shaved that mustache a small part of me died.
Still, Jeopardy! is a really good time. It is fun to pretend that you are smart even if you are not. And I feel like if Brian Williams takes over for Trebek in two years when he is supposedly going to retire the show could greatly improve.
3. Let's Make a Deal
Let's Make a Deal is the most confusing show on this list. More times than not, I find myself watching it and asking myself, do I like this? Is Wayne Brady funny? Is the model girl attractive? I can't decide. On one hand, the show is very entertaining. It is upbeat and energetic and, for the most part, fun. Unlike the previous shows on this list, Let's Make a Deal does not take itself seriously. At all. Wane Brady is the host, but he isn't host like. He chooses the people from the audience and leads the way, but he has help. He has a sidekick, Jonathan Mangum (disappointingly unrelated to Neutral Milk Hotel singer and all around crazy person Jeff Mangum), who aids him in games and random periods of 'Whose Line is it Anyway" type improv. There is also an announcer/ keyboard player who offers on the spot music to accompany any situation. Say a contestant claims to be some sort of salsa dancer: cue salsa music. If someone says or does something stupid: cue 'you're an idiot' sound effect. Fun, right? Still not sure.
Then there is the model. There is only one. Her name is Tiffany Coyne and she is hot. Maybe. Is she? I don't know.
You tell me. I think she is not unattractive but she seems very average. I actually think that appeals to me. More real, you know? She does this weird thing with her hands that bothers me. But that isn't really relevant. I looked her up (because I have a smart phone and I am a creep) and it looks like she used to be an NBA cheerleader and a Vegas showgirl so she is almost definitely carrying around an STD or two. Ok, we have spent too much time on this already. Imagine how many times I have watched this show and had that exact conversation with myself. Too many. Too many.
Anyway, even our girl Tiff gets involved in the show, doing much more than modeling. She gets in on the improv, dances, tells jokes etc... I like that. I think I like her. Do I?
Let's move on. The most confusing thing about Let's Make a Deal, which apparently used to exist back in the 60's and 70's, are the costumes. I have no idea why this is, but everyone in the audience is dressed in some sort of iParty Halloween costume. There are bananas, nurses, hippies, sluts- all sorts of crap. But here is the thing: there does not appear to be any rhyme or reason to how the contestants are selected. It isn't based on the costumes. Wayne Brady doesn't hold a contest for best costume. He just randomly chooses people. There is no explanation for why.
The best part of Let's Make a Deal is the 'Zonk.' The Zonk is what they call it when you lose. The basic concept is Wayne Brady offers you a prize, usually it is hidden in a box, an envelope or behind a curtain. Then, when you learn of this prize, Wayne Brady offers you a deal. Take curtain three or take what is in this envelope etc... Instead of just doing something boring like saying 'you lose' or something, they hit you with a Zonk. It isn't just the word, either, they get creative with it. They give you a bacon Ferris Wheel or a car made out of doughnuts, or a cart of lambs. And for some reason there is always someone in a gorilla suit.
Here is an example. "Zonk loafers" Get it? It is bread. So, you have your choice of curtain one or whatever was in that box. You pick the box, you get Zonked. You're sad. Because the thing behind the curtain was a hot tub. Or a shitty manual transmission economy car. Or a trip to Seattle. The prizes on this show really suck.
I mean, you just won a car. But it is a freaking Smart Car or a Ford Fiesta. Good luck cramming yourself in to that over priced go cart. "You've won a brand new car!!! The 2013 Chevy Spark has a three speed manual transmission and crank windows!" Some people win scooters. They give away hot tubs like four times a week. I once saw a guy win a year supply of dog food. Neat!
I think the coolest thing they do is at the end of the show they have the 'big deal of the day' where the lady dressed as a piece of cheese who won the Kia Sol gets to give up her shitty car for a chance to win the big deal of the day. Which is almost always an exotic trip and some cash. If the lady who won the car wants to for some reason keep said car, the next guy who wins gets a shot etc... The Big Deal of the Day tends to be very exciting, and very rarely heartbreaking. There are no Zonks, only two prizes that are probably worse than what you have already won, and one extravagant "Big Deal." The losing curtain is a popular place to dump hot tubs and flat screen TV's people didn't win earlier.
All in all, Let's Make a Deal- despite its flaws- is one of the more entertaining things you can watch. And that is important when you are watching TV at 10 a.m. on a weekday because that usually means something has gone horribly wrong in your life. It is nice to forget.
2. Price is Right Considered by many to be the crown jewel of game shows, the Price is Right lands the second spot on this list. Drew Carey is a phenomenal upgrade from that cocky pervert Bob Barker (THE PRICE IS WRONG, BOB!) Even if he did lose all that weight and doesn't look like Dilbert anymore. I have long been a fan of Drew Carey, even before his sitcom, which was one of the best ever. He is just so jolly and awkward. Also, a bit off topic, he invented the coffee flavored beer on that show when he started 'Buzz Beer.' Berkshire Brewing Company and anyone else who has made a coffee porter or any other kind of coffee beer owes Drew Carey royalties.
There aren't many flaws in the Price is Right. Everyone on the show has fun and they give away fabulous cash and prizes.In fact, I think they invented the concept of the fabulous prize. I also really enjoy the unique styles of the pricing games. They are all totally different. I think, without question, though, the best game on this show has to be Plinko. Has to be. Climbing that ladder, dropping that hockey puck.
There are, however, two fundamental flaws that in my mind keep this from being number one. First: gimmicks. Since Drew has taken over as the host the show has started to implement gimmicks. For example, on April Fools Day the models take over the show and Drew becomes the models while they host. Last week they had a kids episode. This is not fun. It is like the Teen Tournament on Jeopardy! I hate the Teen Tournament. Worse, the Price is Right has now introduced a male model. I get it. Equality or whatever. But this guy SUCKS. He wears tight ass clothes. Like, so tight it is awkward. Almost as if they are a child size.
To make matters worse he isn't good at being a showgirl/man. He just points to the prize and waves to the camera. He has no grace. He is totally awkward He makes dreadful faces and his presence just seems totally contrived and forced. I would think a lot more of this decision if it was made when Barker was still the host and was still knocking up model girls and paying for their abortions. Drew Carey is so congenial and nice. I find it hard to believe he is making life difficult for any of those women. This man model appears totally unnecessary.
The second flaw of this show are the actual prices of the items featured. I watch this show a lot. I also go to the grocery store a lot. Sometimes I see things that just flat out don't make sense. I can't question the big ticket items. Cars, trips, motorcycles etc... those things all have large numbers tied to them and can vary in price by the thousands. You could buy a Hyundai for $19,455 at one dealership and see it for $22, 455 down the street. I am talking about tiny items, things I know I have purchased. For example, today there were two GPS systems featured. They were Garmins. They were one price point above a GPS that I own by the same manufacturer. I purchased my GPS at a Black Friday sale for $79.99. Original retail price was $115. So let's assume that the next model up, on the high end, is $150 retail. Now, I get that California is a different state and perhaps Garmin suggests a much higher retail price than many stores sell the product at, but the price for two of the GPS systems, according to the Price is Right, was $679.00. That is $339.50 a piece. That seems pricey.
I have also noticed similar situations with things like Wheat Thins or body lotion. Sometimes the prices just seem off. This makes me lose confidence that if I ever find my way on that stage that I could actually win.
All in all, though, this show is wonderful to watch. Spinning the wheel, the showcase showdown, all of the games. No complaints. The only other thing I would change is the notion that if you go over the price on a showcase you lose. I don't like that. I think there should be a window. I have seen people miss it over by under $100. I think if it is within $1,000 either way it should count. White people problems.
1. Family Feud
Look at Steve Harvey's face. Look at it. That face right there tells you everything you need to know about the new Family Feud.
Steve Harvey hates your answer. He thinks it is stupid. It makes no sense. He can't believe you said it. You know what? America can't believe you said it and he isn't afraid to let everyone at home know that he agrees with them.
When most of you think of the Feud you probably remember Richard Dawson trying to kiss all the hot women back in the old days. Or that hand job maniac and professional celebrity diver Louie Anderson teetering somewhere between suicide and a heart attack every afternoon. Or maybe even 90's sitcom role players Richard Karn (Al Borland) or John O'Hurley (J. Peterman) generally failing at the act of humor in the mid-2000's.
If any of those previous hosts turned you away from this show, and no one could blame you if the have, it is time to give the Feud another shot.
*Full disclosure: It is my dream to be on the Feud. It is also a smaller dream of mine to be the person they actually ask the survey question to. Like, who are these people? Is it random? Do they bring in a focus group? Or do they just head down to the food court of the Burlington mall and just ask questions until 100 men successfully tell them the most annoying thing their wives do in bed?
Steve Harvey is actually funny. Like, legitimately funny. He rags on people. He tells jokes. He does impersonations. In no way does he take himself, or the show too seriously. The best is when there are African American families on the show because he instantly reverts from showbiz, morning talk show Steve Harvey to streets of Detroit union auto worker Steve Harvey. It is awesome. It paces my afternoon every day. No matter what is going on, 3 p.m. is Family Feud time. Even Av likes him. Even if she does say things like 'Dat man is brown just like Steve Harvey.' It isn't racist if she is just being observational, right?
I think the best thing about this show, though, are the terms they use on the game board. Whenever there is a sexual or remotely taboo answer the person responsible for putting it up on the board likes to have a little fun. For example, and these are real. I have seen sex referred to as 'nookie', 'bumping uglies', 'getting down', etc... Boobs are often referred to as 'juggs', 'cannons', 'fun bags' and others. And don't get me started on poop.
So, there you have it. A completely useless and unnecessary look at how I feel gameshows rank. Maybe I just love Steve Harvey.
