Episode 23: Maybe Daddy should be a garbage man

For the past eight months or so I have been saying that the only differences between babies and cats are that cats are less maintenance and babies grow up to become self-sustaining people. Other than that, it is pretty much exactly the same.

Except, of course,  for the part where cats shit in a box from birth, and babies uncontrollably shit their pants and kick it all over you and everything they own for like four years before learning how to use a toilet, but I digress. 

In any event, for the most part babies and cats do little more than eat, sleep and play. It is a pretty good life, actually, devoid of any responsibility and full of rest and sustenance.

One surprising thing that the two have in common is a collective love of playing with both trash and inanimate objects. Despite hundreds of dollars spent over the years on balls and stuffed mice and cat toys, LC will spend the majority of her non-sleeping time playing with crumpled up pieces of paper or small bits of her own food which she has taken out of the bowl and batted on to the floor.
Likewise, our baby has hoards and hoards of toys. Stuffed animals, teething rings, plastic toys, plush toys and toys with moving parts, anything she wants at her disposal. Still, somehow she gets the most joy out of her day by playing with straws or pieces of napkin.

(NOTE: When I refer to an 8-month-old infant 'playing' it is really just her grabbing something, looking at it, laughing and stuffing it in her mouth, or waving it around in the air while she yells. Very primal.)

In any event, yesterday we were playing on the floor, like we often do, and I looked down to find the baby surrounded by toys. There was a teddy bear, an elephant with crinkle ears, a few teething rings and a NASCAR replica race car Pez dispenser (OK, that one is obviously mine- part of what was once the coolest Pez dispenser collection around, but she likes the car because if you pull it backwards it drives across the floor).
With all of these toys at her disposal she focused her attention on a plastic whisk, stolen from the kitchen days earlier, an empty DVD case and a pile of decorative wicker balls that are involved in our living room decor for some bizarre reason.

The worst part is that the second you take any of this crap away from her she screams and throws a fit. Yesterday was actually pretty good, considering that none of those things are actually trash. Like the cats, she usualy loves nothing more than trying to take receipts out of  my hands, and today at breakfast she stole the plastic box that her apple sauce comes in and started chewing on it. She has also had a straight break down because I wouldn't let her have the empty paper towel tube.

This is not a phenomenon unique to my child, either, as the other day I sat in my window and watched all of the disgusting, idiot kids from our ghetto neighborhood picking through my neighbor's trash. They came away with boxes, bottles and dirty toys. One of them even came up to me while I was putting out the recycling and said 'Hey mister, can I have that box?'

'Yeah kid,' I said. 'Its just trash.' ( I probably didn't call him kid, and he probably didn't call me mister, but to be honest, I'd rather believe that it happened like an episode of Dennis the Menace. It makes me feel better about where I live.)

So, maybe I'll just take my career search over to Waste Management or North Side Carting and start picking trash for a living. I am already used to waking up at like 5 a.m. and my daughter will certainly still respect me.

My advice to you? If you have babies or cats, don't buy them toys. Just give them trash and kitchen utensils, you will save yourself a lot of money in the long run.